Jottings from Ge-Anne

It's a process...

2012-01-04T21:14:00.001-05:00

Lately I have been feeling very alone. Not just lonely, but utterly alone. The best way I know how to describe it is that I feel like an alien. This feeling has always been present, but it's usually more in the background and it rarely rears its ugly head, but lately I have had to fight it with a vengeance. It's become exhausting.

Last night at church, I had an experience that I can only describe as a sweet communion with God. I am not one to talk much about that kind of stuff and to be quite honest, I tend to be very skeptical when others share things like this with me. People who "hear from God" and then tell me about it usually get a polite nod and a smile from me while I am thinking of how to escape from the conversation. Last night in the middle of singing our worship songs, I found myself singing with all my heart (and probably way too loud) and I was thinking of how glad I was to be there in the midst of my church friends. I remember at one point that I was holding my hands together as I was singing and I felt one hand tighten upon the other--like when someone reaches over to squeeze another's hand. I looked down for a second and I felt the presence of Jesus spoke to me and said, "Ge-Anne, I love you. I really love you. I love you more than your best friend and more than anyone else and no matter what happens to them, I will still be here and I will still love you."

I literally got chills when that message sunk in. Tears came and I soaked up this Presence and reveled in His love.

Prayer time was very special, too. Hearing people pray for me and for my family and hearing how they passionately petition the Lord on my behalf is one of the most humbling things I have ever experienced. I find myself wondering why in the world would anyone care for me like that. I find it so easy to give love, but it's always hard for me to receive it.

Maybe it's because I am from the South where we're always saying "I love you" and calling one another endearing terms like "honey" and "sweetie". We mean it, too, but in a much more casual way than people from other regions do.

The service ended with communion, and even though I have attended this church for years, I hardly ever participate in the Lord's Supper because it just feels so weird to do this all alone. It's like eating out in a fancy restaurant and requesting a table for one. I feel like a loser or something, so I just avoid the whole thing most times. As I prayed last night, I found myself explaining to God how I wanted to take communion but I just felt weird doing it. No sooner than those words were thought, I heard a friend right behind me step out and say, "Come on with us. You're part of our family!"

I couldn't do anything but just cry in thanks to God for hearing me and for caring that much.

Again and again, God sent people to me to speak a word of encouragement or to just hug me. The last person to spend time with me was a really good friend--one of those kind of friends who can read me in a millisecond. I suspect it's because he's been where I am and he just knows. Last night I was able to say as much and he didn't deny it.

Over and over I have heard. "I am with you and I won't leave you." In my heart I know it's true, but what a blessing it was to have it made so very clear.

There's such a vulnerability in allowing people to love us. I find it so difficult. I feel very exposed and uncomfortable. I never know what to say or how to respond. I'm afraid of being hurt, of being used, and I am terrified of being forgotten or tossed aside. I'm trying to accept this with the grace in which it's being offered.

Pray that I can.

Worship

2011-12-29T20:12:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me say that I am not a worship leader, nor do I hold any degrees in theology or church leadership or anything of the sort.

I just love to sing.

When I was 9 years old and hadn't been to church in years (since my former babysitter moved away), my mother suddenly began to attend a Southern Baptist church in middle Tennessee. I was on vacation with my former babysitter at the time and I remember not being at all happy with the fact that I would have to go to church when I returned. I attended services with the babysitter and her husband, but they were Methodists and I wasn't sure about this new "Baptist" thing. For those of you familiar with the Baptist denominations, there are many varieties and I wasn't sure if I would like Mom's new thing.

But go I did and the thing that I remember most vividly is the music. I was used to old hymns and Southern Gospel, but this stuff was fresh, new-sounding and had been re-arranged. This music really spoke to my 9-year-old heart. One Sunday, for the first time ever, I heard "His Eye is on the Sparrow" and I fell in love with the song and hoped that one day I would also sing it.

By age 11, I was really into music and I had bought a few LPs (For those of you too young to remember that term, I am referring to vinyl record albums, played on a turntable, with a needle. Go ahead and Google if you need to, I'll wait.) and I loved the Maranatha! Praise Series. Our choir did lots of praise choruses and I was often frustrated that the congregation was assigned traditional hymns to sing while the choir got all the good stuff!

That summer, I went to a summer Bible camp in Chattanooga and stood on a stage in front of my peers and sang "solo" for the first time. I couldn't have known that day that my life had been changed, but I did know that something very powerful had happened in those few minutes that I stood in front of those girls (many older than me) and sang "Seek Ye First". For the rest of the week, I remember girls stopping me to ask me to sing to them. I found it funny, and didn't take it too seriously, but the other girls who had gone with me reported this event to our choir director and from then on, I was a "singer".

Becoming a Christian was (and is) a process for me. I was scared by a movie about the end times at age nine and repeated a prayer at the altar at church. For the next 2 years, I soaked up every Sunday School lesson and Bible study session I could, but still felt like something was missing. At age 11, around Thanksgiving, I felt the need to pray and ask God to cleanse my sins using my own words and in my own way. This, I believe, was my true conversion.

Singing became the main way for me to worship. I was never great at daily devotions. I always felt weird praying aloud and reading the Bible is something that I did in spurts. Singing, however, was my way of communing with the Father. It still is.

For years since that summer day at Bible camp, I have had the enormous privilege of singing to thousands of people. I love to sing, and I am grateful for every opportunity to do so. It's a very personal thing, though. Even though I may be singing in front of hundreds of people, I don't really know they're there. Something magical happens onstage. I feel transformed into the soul of what I am singing and sometimes when I open my eyes, I am almost shocked to see that I am in front of the crowd.

Many of the most moving songs I have sung have not been in front of anyone--they've just been between God and me. One night, after a very serious surgery, I was depressed and alone. I felt like no one remembered me and that no one cared how radical this whole recovery was going to be. I was in a bad way. So, at 2AM, all alone in my house, I started singing at the top of my lungs. It was a very special moment because I knew then that God had not forgotten me...that I was never truly alone.

Music, both secular and Christian is a powerful force in my life. I have joked that one who knows me well enough can take one look at my current playlist and tell exactly what's going on with me, just from the songs that I am listening to. The other day, one of those friends even admonished me for my list in an attempt to cheer me out of the mood I was in!

When you are at church the next time and you see the person or the people who are singing up front or the person who's next to you with his or her eyes closed and who looks like he or she is completely in another place, marvel at the fact that it's most likely true.

Our pastor put it best when he said, "Music (worship through music) is the love language of God".

I think he's right!

Kindle Touch--Wow

2011-12-29T16:58:00.000-05:00

Last year, I bought a Kindle and I really expected to love it. Not like. LOVE.I didn't.The machine had a great display and I like the features, but one thing really bugged me. I had to push a button to turn pages on the thing. That really annoyed me for some reason. I was already used to the iPod Touch and would later get an iPad for work, so this whole button thing just seemed annoying. A friend wanted a Kindle for her daughter, so I was happy to sell mine to her and to wait a bit longer.Now, a year later, I am a proud owner of the Kindle Touch. Now, this is what I wanted!

The touch input is a little slow. It's not going to respond like an iPad or an iPod Touch, but it's a READER, so I am fine with that. It took just a couple of minutes for me to get the Kindle up and going and I am loving it. Great job, Amazon!

Routine

2011-12-27T12:02:00.000-05:00

I don't like being out of my daily routine. The holiday has come and gone and now I have four weekdays to fill. I have my day scheduled chock full with errands tomorrow--just the way I like it. I don't like downtime, probably because it leaves me with too much time to think. I crave human interaction and staying at home is just not healthy for me. My fondness for staying busy is something my Dutch relatives don't understand. They value downtime and staying at home with family. I like those times when there's harmony, but being home alone or with small children leaves me feeling very alone and disconnected. I wonder why?

Being real...

2011-12-22T16:17:00.003-05:00

Got a call today from someone I consider a good friend. One of those friends who, when he asks, "How have you been doing?", really MEANS it. I found myself giving an honest answer to him and getting a chance to share a struggle that I have recently faced that popped up seemingly out of nowhere.This is how being the Body of Christ is supposed to work. Thank you, my friend, for taking time to reach out.

My Christmas Prayer

2011-12-21T15:56:00.000-05:00

Father in Heaven, please comfort those hearts that are hurting. Give peace to those who live in conflict and turmoil. Send your Presence to those who are lonely and who feel lost, forgotten and alone. Show your children who needs extra love and attention this year just to make it through these days that seem like tortue. Ease the minds of those who are constantly questioning and probing for meaning. Show them that Your love is real, even when Your people are not. For the heart that crumples at the negative connotation the word "family" evokes, give Your love and acceptance. For the person who's always feeling alone in the crowd, give your Spirit as the true Companion. For the soul who's always laughing in the crowd, but feels like dying inside, please give real meaning and true life.And, lastly, Lord, please let those who are oblivious to these hurting souls, see them this year and give them an opportunity to be You through their actions.Amen.

Tis the season...

2011-12-20T20:30:00.001-05:00

I hate the holidays. No, really. I. hate. them.The Christmas season is supposed to be some magical time for those we love to connect with us and for us all to forget about the stresses of everyday life and to focus on our blessings.Right.In my life, it's meant the time of year for everyone to get drunk and fight. The time of year to get together as a family and try to pretend that we actually give a crap about each other. Lastly, it's the time of year that I am home and separated from the people I care about at work and left to tread water in a relationship that has never been what I needed.Happy Holidays.Can't wait to get back to normal.

Been here before...

2011-12-17T11:35:00.000-05:00

I have carried this burden, a definite weighty part of my soul, with me for almost a decade. Without going into personally identifiable details, I experienced something that shook me to my core and I was totally taken aback by it. It took years for me to not think about it almost every day and then it took another devastating chain of events to make it alright again.

My faith in myself in my actual womanhood was taken away from me by a relationship that had fallen apart. I had placed my entire sense of self into a man's hands who ultimately shattered it. It's not his fault and I am sure that he has no idea how much those few short weeks of our lives has affected the next years of mine. That's a good thing, I suppose. I take full responsibility for being the one who erred. I had come out of a ten-year marriage that had fallen apart piece by piece until I was completely lost and alone. It was completely unfair to expect him--or anyone else--to fix that.

Moving ahead, I had other relationships and later remarried. Being one of those women whose friendships are mostly with men, I found myself really comfortable in the role of "annoying sister" and "buddy" and that's where I have firmly planted myself since then. Anything else would have been too frightening for me to handle. My marriage is good and I know my husband loves me and that he still wants me, so that's not an issue.

But, in all this time, I haven't felt womanly or feminine. I have almost lived what amounts to a genderless existence. I wear makeup and like to dress up, but I always feel kind of fake or find myself wondering if I am really pulling this all off alright.

Basically, I have felt like an impostor.

A few days ago, one of my friendships underwent a severe test. I honestly thought that it was a fatal event and that I would have to lose it forever. Who knows, maybe I will still. I think the jury might still be out on that one.

Nevertheless, for some reason, and I am still not sure of the relation between the two events, I was forced to confront this old issue. It was not an easy thing to do. In fact, it was devastating. It's hard to face some demons and the element of surprise was further disconcerting. But, I <i>did</i> confront this issue and was finally able to resolve it--hopefully once and for all.

And, I feel reborn. It's amazing at how the voice inside my head that was so full of doubt and fear has been reprogrammed to become one of encouragement and validation. I no longer think of myself as unloveable or as somehow damaged. In fact, I find that I am more worthy than I have allowed myself to be treated.

I'd say it's about time.

"Come Into My World"

2011-12-15T20:06:00.003-05:00

Amy Grant has this amazing song, called "Come Into My World" where she sings about falling apart on the inside while she's smiling on the outside. It really strikes home with me, because I have felt that way before and can relate to feeling alone and cut off from all things normal and safe.Everyone has their own demons that "dance and twirl", and many people never confront them. Some out of fear, some out of pride or stubbornness and some out of a feeling of helplessness. I have more than a few of my own, but I've been reassured that I am pretty good at keeping them under control. This week, however, one really got loose and I honestly felt completely out of control and very scared. I really had nowhere to turn. It was such a horrible, helpless and lonely feeling. I am thankful that I have people who aren't afraid to come inside my world when it's messy and scary and when I am not acting like myself. I really needed help this week and it came in so many forms from so many people. As Christians, it's our job to show the love of Jesus and to go into these dark places and walk beside those who are hurting. It's not easy--in fact, it's sometimes very difficult to love someone who's lashing out or whose hurts are so deep that they affect us deeply. Watching someone we love is not an easy task, but it's what we need and what we must be willing to give.Thank you to those who were brave enough to come into my world these last few weeks.

Needing You

2011-12-12T21:46:00.001-05:00

I needed a miracle. I even asked You for one, all the while not believing that you cared enough to listen, much less intervene.But you did.Oh, Lord. You heard my cry and, despite my weakness, my unworthiness and my sin, you gave me more than I could have asked for.I am humbled, ashamed, thankful, relieved and so grateful for Your love.It's nothing I deserve.

Hurting people hurt people

2011-12-10T19:58:00.001-05:00

I hear that phrase sometimes at church. I have even recognized it in my own behavior. This week, I encountered it firsthand and in a very personal way. It almost broke my heart.When we've been hurt in the past, we tend to carry that hurt in our hearts and the pains from past scars can start to smart and cause us to react in a way that is completely out of character.For the ones around us, seeing us in pain and lashing out is hurtful, bewildering and we tend to take it intensely personally. There's this overwhelming sense of helplessness and maybe even anger at the unfairness of being the target of resentment or ill feelings.I learned something this week. I learned that the words, "I'm sorry." and "Please forgive me." have the power to wash away every trace of hurt and to erase the doubts that can creep in and literally destroy us.

You

2011-12-06T20:12:00.001-05:00

You came into my life when I was about to spread my wings and fly. I felt so unsure and so inadequate and you believed in me--wholeheartedly and with such enthusiasm. No one had ever done that for me before. I can still hear your voice ringing out through the arena the day I took my diploma in hand and began the next phase of my life. I can still hear your voice in my head and I can still see how you lit up with joy when we would have our talks. Time with you was precious and I would give almost anything to have time like that with you again. You cried one day when I explained why I was leaving. In that moment, I saw how well you knew me and how much you felt my pain. I ended up comforting you that day and feeling more loved than I ever had in my life. No longer did I feel worthless and discarded. For just a moment, I saw myself through your eyes. Over time, I learned to trust what you saw and to ignore my own insecurities.I still remember the shame I felt that day down by the river when I told you the thing that I had done that I knew would disappoint you. You weren't mad, but I felt your surge of grief for me as you watch me suffer the consequences of my willful actions. I remember running with you through the sudden rainstorm and literally feeling like God had washed away my sin and shame and that everything in my life had been made new. I was so grateful to have shared that moment with you.I still miss you and am grateful for every second we had together. Thank you for seeing the real person inside of me and for taking the time to show her to me.

Thanksgiving and other "family" holidays...

2011-11-21T10:04:00.001-05:00

I had a great conversation backstage yesterday with a friend. We were discussing holidays and family traditions. He was recalling how he encourages his siblings to participate with their families during holidays because he knew that his "parents wouldn't be here forever". How very true.My parents have been gone for some time now. There's a hole in my life that can't be replaced and I feel a pervasive sadness during the entire holiday season. Thanksgivings used to be huge family gatherings--first at my grandmother's, then, after she became unable to host them, my mother and father would make a huge spread. I learned from them how to cook our traditional family recipes and carried on the tradition when I was married and then in the five years after my mother died. Then, when Daddy passed, there was no readon to continue. My husband is Dutch and doesn't care for turkey or even ham and we've no reason to cook a large meal to feed the four of us. It's always with a sense of resignation that I find myself at some "Thanksgiving" buffet or at a drive-through on Thanksgiving Day. Invariably, I am reminded of the excitement that used to buzz around our house as daddy cooked up his famous potato salad and mom stuffed her celery and deviled eggs as the smells of turkey and ham permeated the house.I would love to host a Thanksgiving Dinner again and when we get a bigger house (one that's actually large enough to prepare and serve the meal), I want to find a way to invite others to share what my family always shared together...and what I always took for granted.

Sinterklaas

2011-11-12T09:58:00.001-05:00

Operation

2011-10-30T13:38:00.001-04:00

I found this neat blog, Sunday Scribblings, where writers can join in on the prompt of the week. This weeks' topic: Operation.

Here goes:

On May 27th, I found myself in a familiar place: on a gurney, in the hospital, waiting for surgery. It was my second surgery for the year and one of 9 or 10 during my lifetime. My earliest surgeries were small-scale events and common procedures--two on my eyes and one to place ear tubes and to remove my adenoids. My next surgery was at age 23 and I had a laparoscopic gall bladder removal. No big deal to me (after all, I was in my early 20s) and I was back to my old routine within days.

July 27, 2000 brought about the biggest surgery I had ever and indeed have undertaken so far--a roux en y gastric bypass (distal, for those of you who know and/or care what that means). That surgery changed my life.

I entered the hospital a bundle of nerves. Shaking, crying, the whole bit. I was terrified. I had done my research. One in 100 gastric bypass patients could be expected to have complications that were life-threatening and many more would have post-surgical complications that, while not life-threatening, would require more surgery or medical intervention of some kind.

Still, I decided to take that risk. I had to. I was dying.

Every time my precious toddler wanted to play or run, I found myself unable to join in. At 430 pounds, I could hardly function at all, much less take care of my son. I wasn't able to find clothes in the stores and had gotten so large that most mail-order places had very little that would fit. I was 68-70 inches around the waist and wore a size 30W jean. That's a 60 in men's sizing. I looked like a freak and I hated it.

The surgery went well and within 3 months, I was down 100 pounds. Over time, I would go on to lose 90 additional pounds and my weight settled around 240, which is much more pleasing to carry on my 5' 9" frame.

Moving ahead three years, I weigh in at 242 and have massive amounts of skin from the weight loss. I have started dating again and I find myself really wanting to get rid of this "belly skin" in order to look more normal. I undergo a "panniculectomy" and hernia repair and wake up to find that I am thrilled to be able to wear pants again and to walk like a normal person.

The hernia repair was done with a Kugel Mesh and has been the topic of many an ambulance-chasing attorneys' informercials. Long story short: May 27th found me in the hospital again awaiting an open-incisional surgery.

This time I was much more nervous. I have new life now. I have friends that I love and a husband and a family that needs me. My son is entering adolescence and my daughter is soon to be a preschooler. There is so much to lose should this surgery not go as planned.

I try to be brave. I try to have faith. I try not to panic.

I fail.
Miserably.

My surgeon walks in to find me splotchy-faced and red-nosed from crying my eyes out. I can hardly speak when he asks me how I am doing. I tell him that I am scared and he looks me in the eye and affirms my fears while reminding me that this is just another day at the office for him. He tells me not to worry and though it doesn't take away all my fears, his reassurance works wonders.

Within moments, I am wheeled out the door and on to my destiny.

Obviously, the surgery went well and today it's just a distant memory for me, but it only takes a moment's reflection for me to be transported back to those fearful moments when I left my life in the hands of someone else.

It's a scary thing.

Writing

2011-10-30T12:34:00.001-04:00

I don't fancy myself a writer. I mean, I write, but I don't do it with any sort of regularity and I don't have some kind of intense longing to do so. Instead, I use it as more of an emotional release or as a platform when I have something I feel like I want to say.

I started writing a bit when I was around age 11-14, I think. It started when I would write pretend letters to "Ann Landers". I made up some doozies, too! My mother found a letter I had written once where I was pretending to be addicted to drugs and doing all sorts of bad things. She found the letter and confronted me with it. I was so embarrassed, but she seemed to be greatly relieved when I convinced her that I was just practicing writing. (Thank goodness, she finally believed me!)

I remember carrying around a notebook and writing a bit of poetry (mostly about a boy I liked, name Bernie) and then I eventually started writing about feelings. By the time I was 15, I was writing a few humorous essays--including one I wrote about getting my driver's license, where I fantasized about mowing down the DMV agent with my car and making it look like an accident.

In high school, I enjoyed writing term papers and theses and finally, in my senior year, I enrolled in a creative writing class. I really loved it, but I was (and am) aware that I had little talent for the skill. No matter to me, because like any hobby, I do it for enjoyment.

Today, my uncle, who IS a writer and who has a weekly column in our hometown's local paper wrote a piece on the art of writing and he challenged all "would be" writers to committing to writing something every day. Interesting that I have never committed it to this--except for the required journal entries for various college courses and for the stints I did in eating disorder clinics.

Maybe I will try.

Then again, maybe I won't, but the idea is a good one!

Dr. S and Dr. A. and how they helped me...

2011-10-18T20:32:00.001-04:00

I am the only person in my family to graduate high school and the only one to attend college. My academic career has been varied and full of extremes and I have been helped by so many along the way. My first grade teacher, about whom I have written before had a huge influence on my life--one that lasts to this day. She believed in me and taught me to start to believe in myself.

I spent the first years of my elementary education in public schools before making the switch to a fundamentalist Christian school in grade 5. For the rest of elementary and junior high and for the first two years of high school, I studied in a one-room school house and worked at my own pace. If I was good at a subject, I flew through it. If I wasn't good at a subject, I just gave up on it. Because of this, I never made it very far in Math. I was on the 8th grade course when I entered 10th grade. Algebra, self-taught? Impossible for me.

Somehow I ended up in high school in the "correct" grade. I had earned enough credits to be considered a junior and my schedule was made out to get me ready for college. That schedule, however, was so grueling that I almost dropped out. I was completely overwhelmed by having Spanish, English, Biology, Algebra, Geometry and History all at one time. Fortunately a guidance counselor intervened and I was given a less demanding course of study with the full understanding that I would have to have a few remedial courses in college. It was a condition I was happy to agree to and I finished high school with good grades and as an honor student.

College was a whole new world for me and was a completely new universe for my family. While they were familiar with high school, because my siblings had attended for a time, college was bewildering. We weren't a rich family and there was no money to help me. I began with grants and loans and ended up borrowing the entire time I was there. I was thrilled to be able to go, though and when the opportunity to move up from my junior college to the university came, I jumped at it.

As a married student, I was granted an apartment in the married student housing, so I had a quiet, controlled environment in which to study. But, wow, was I a fish out of water! I was completely lost when it came to knowing how to register for classes, how to get my classes to transfer and how to just "make it" while there.

Fortunately, I had two wonderful advisors: Dr. Sharpe and Dr. Akenson. Though they never mentioned how ill-at-ease I seemed at the university, they patiently explained everything I needed to do to finish the requirements of my degree.

I spent two and a half years at Tennessee Tech and during that time, I didn't just earn my degree, I became a woman, gained loads of confidence and learned that being in education and being successful educator means that one must develop the heart of a servant.

I learned from the best!

I was wrong...

2011-10-14T21:19:00.000-04:00

Forgive me Father, for I have been wrong so many times. I have doubted Your mercy and Your grace and I have accused You of not seeing, not caring and of not being there. Each time, I was wrong and I am sorry.

I was wrong when I was 17 years old and I "knew" that life wasn't worth living and I wanted to end mine.
You were there in the form of people who cared enough to intervene and to walk with me through weeks and months of dark days until I could see the path again. Thank You.

I was wrong when I was 18 and I screamed at You how "no one would ever love me, or marry me, or want to share his life with me".
You had already set a plan in motion for me to meet the man You had chosen for me.

I was wrong when I was 20 years old and I "knew" that I couldn't possibly make it through college and I wanted to drop out.
You sent wonderful friends and advisors who talked me through this time of uncertainty and who showed me how to not only make it through, but how to excel!

I was wrong when I thought that what I did in this life didn't matter to other people.
Time and time again, You've sent people my way who have shown me that what I do matters much more than I know much of the time.

I was wrong at age 25 when the baby I so desperately wanted didn't magically appear and I accused You of not caring.
You said, "Wait" and three years later blessed me with the miracle of adoption and with a son whom I truly love and admire. I see Your hand on him each day.

I was wrong at age 29 when I gave up on my body, on my health and on myself.
Your plan was to hand me a tool which would finally set me free from the physical albatross hanging around my neck and you gave me a LIFE.

I was wrong when I doubted that You would breathe life into the baby in my womb.
Every night, I rock that child to sleep and sing of your love and your mercy to her. Thank you for such goodness and for such a blessing!

I was wrong when I turned my back on You, thinking that You allowed my mistakes to happen and therefore had allowed me to be alone and hurting.
You wooed me, walked beside me and carried me for years as your Holy Spirit whispered in my ear to come back to You. . .until one day I listened and finally admitted...

I was wrong.

One of my favorites...

2011-10-13T12:35:00.002-04:00

Come Find Me

2011-10-12T20:17:00.000-04:00

When I wore a younger woman's clothes (but a much larger size!), I had a really good friend who knew me inside and out. It was one of those telepathic friendships, you know, where I would think of giving him a call and the phone would ring right in my hand. It was the first time in my life that I had the sense that someone really understood me.

Over the years, we drifted apart and I miss having him in my life. I have been fortunate enough to have about 3 other friends with whom I have felt such a special bond and each time these friendships have been more than just a blessing. Each time, they have been a lifeline for me in a time of great tumult and unrest.

I can remember praying and telling God that I was just so lonely and that I wish someone would come along just to talk and to listen. The greatest conversations are like that...give and take. When we find someone with whom we can communicate not only with words but with emotion and with abandon, we are blessed indeed.

I find that prayer being whispered again in the dark corners of my being. I pray it is once again answered.

What do you think about these?

2011-10-07T20:20:00.002-04:00

I recently ran across an article called "10 Questions That Have No Right to Go Away" and it really hit home with me. Well, the first 9 did, anyway. Take a look and feel free to discuss. :)

If I could record an album...

2011-09-30T21:27:00.001-04:00

Here are the songs that have etched themselves into my very soul:

It's a dance...

2011-09-16T15:12:00.001-04:00

The ties that bind us twist and wind in intricate patterns. Sometimes loosely. Sometimes so tightly I can scarcely breathe.

Like a dance, we move away and then pull together again, careful to maintain that proper space between.

Today we spun around, high-fived, and went on our own way.

It was good to see you again.

September 11th

2011-09-11T20:56:00.001-04:00

Ten years ago, I was an elementary school teacher working in middle Tennessee. We got a message over the intercom telling us to check our email as soon as possible. The email chilled me to to bone. My principal wrote that he had just been watching CNN after hearing reports that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. He stated that as he was watching the live feed, he saw another plane fly into the Trade Center as well. He asked us not to share this information with the children yet.

The rest of that day is a blur. School released the students early and my friend from Holland, who is now my husband, chatted to tell me how sorry he was to hear this news. My son's daycare called to let me know that they were closing early and we all rushed home to be with our families and to see what was happening.

In the years that have followed 9-11, I have had the privilege of meeting many people from different parts of the world. These people have renewed my faith in humankind and in the love of God for his people.

Yesterday, after six years as a resident of the United States of America, my friend and husband was sworn in as a citizen of the USA. As the Oath Ceremony commenced, I thought of how blessed our country has been and how richly blessed our little family has been as well. My husband is not an overly sentimental man, but we were ALL moved by the ceremony and by being allowed to take part in a part of history.

God has blessed the USA and I pray that we turn to Him as we move forward from this day.

Creeping in...

2011-09-10T16:33:00.000-04:00

It's autumn and as the fall winds blow, I feel the familiar melancholy that always colors the season for me creeping in. What used to come rushing in as a tide of despondency now trickles in like a gently mountain stream and washes over me in an almost nostalgic way.

I remember you each autumn. I remember how it felt to be wrapped in your arms and I can still hear the sound of your voice whispering in my ear. Your love was only an illusion, but it felt so real and like such a breath of fresh air as I finally started to believe that I just might be lovable again.

Thank you for that.

Someone like you...

2011-09-09T21:22:00.000-04:00

Two songs. Two very different moods.

Van Morrison

ADELE

I loved both of these songs the instant I heard them. Isn't it funny how songs just reach out and grab you, sometimes? A friend of mine calls this our mental jukebox and I really can relate. Can you?

Do you remember the song that was playing the first time you were kissed? On summer vacation? The song that you shared with your first love? The song that made you cry in your car for no reason? The song that reminds you of your best friend?

Some songs just embed themselves in our souls, even without reason or rhyme. We're instantly bonded to them. Like musical soul mates. they take root deep in our psyche and don't let go.

What are your songs?

Still working...

2011-08-14T21:52:00.001-04:00

At church today, I felt those prayers that were offered up by the prayer team at Women of Faith. I am truly feeling the enormity of God's love. Today's worship service was so sweet and tender. I stood there, hands raised and sang while I felt the Lord's presence reminding me of His love!

Focus on the Family just posted a prompt on Facebook this evening asking people to share what God is doing in our life right now...This is what I wrote:

Wow...Words cannot describe. This weekend has been such an outpouring of His love. I have always felt like an "outsider" in God's family--despite my belief. I always felt like I was an "almost" Christian because I was a little less worthy than everyone else. In the past few months, God has been revealing Himself to me in a way that is completely erasing that false belief. His love covers ALL who accept it. For the first time, I feel myself falling in love with Him, because I finally am beginning to realize His deep love for me!

Women of Faith, Atlanta--Imagine!

2011-08-13T22:11:00.001-04:00

Wow.

Number one, the Lord sure answered my prayer! Cynical this weekend? Not me! How could I have been?

There's no possible way for me to share the powerful stories that I heard this weekend at Women of Faith. No way for me to pour into your heart the lessons I took away with me. I was so moved by the candor of the speakers, by the faith they'd shown and by the humility with which they shared their failures and defeats. I laughed (a lot!) and cried (a lot!) and sang with the voices of the other 8,000 women who had all come to hear what God is doing in the lives of other women of faith.

After all, isn't that the point?

If you've never been to a Women of Faith event, I'll try to let you in on what to expect without giving away (as if I could do it justice!) any of the "meat" of the conference. This is a summary of my conference experience:

The conference started on Friday morning and went until early afternoon. There was a break between this session and the evening session. At my event, the seating for the daytime session was general admission, but the rest of the conference was assigned seating (as shown on the admission tickets). The morning sessions were really great and I enjoyed the many lessons that were presented as well as the worship times. There were 30-minute breaks scheduled throughout the conference to allow for shopping on the concourse, restroom breaks and searching for chocolate! :)

Friday Night's session was electrifying. With the feel of a rock concert, things kicked off with a bang and didn't really slow down! The performance by Natalie Grant was such a fine showcase of her talent.

Saturday's schedule was very similar to Friday's. Lunch was provided both days and the breaks left plenty of time for moving around and grabbing a snack.

Because these events are held in arenas, I recommend checking out parking options and carpooling whenever possible. Like most arenas, the closer one parks, the more one pays for the privilege!

I'll wrap up my post by saying that the women who spoke this weekend were truly just normal, everyday women! Though their backgrounds may differ, they all suffer the same insecurities and struggles that we all do. Some of them have suffered far more than their fair share of pain and devastation, but they all had one thing in common: Each woman was certain of her faith in God and His love for her and each woman had found a way to smile again--despite the pain she had endured. May we ALL find that to be true.

I hope that those of you who have the chance to go will seize the opportunity. God might just have something He wants you to hear!

Women of Faith, Atlanta

2011-08-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

Lord,

Okay, here we go. By this time tomorrow, I will be at Women of Faith in Atlanta with thousands of other women worshipping you. It's been a long time since I have hung out with this many Christian women...and you know how I am. Ever the cynic, I put up my shield of defense immediately and shrink back like a wallflower in situations like these.

Why?

That question I don't have a clear answer to, but I do know that I don't want to be like that this time. You've been way too faithful, too loving and have taught me so much in these last years. I am simply not the same woman who attended that WoF conference in Birmingham almost a decade ago.

Trusting You is not a one-time event. It evolves over a lifetime. You have taught me so much and have allowed me to experience so many things: some painful, some pleasurable and some events that I had no idea that You were behind.

So, Holy Spirit, please ride beside me in the car, sit with me in the arena and walk beside me as I attend Women of Faith. When I become cynical or question the goings on around me, remind me of Your great love for me and for these women around me. Teach me what You want me to learn. Amplify what You want me to hear. Underscore what You'd have me learn.

Humbly Yours,

Ge-Anne

Pouring out our hearts to Him

2011-08-05T21:30:00.000-04:00

I spend an intense time in prayer today. That's not usual for me because I tend to hold things in and worry rather than praying about them and turning them over to God. I am not sure why, but it's been a pattern all my life.

There's something very risky about voicing my concerns to God. I feel so vulnerable. Is He listening? Are my concerns valid? Won't He be mad because it's been so long that I have shared my heart with Him?

Those thoughts keep me from prayer more often that I would like to admit.

Crazy isn't it?

Today I made the conscious decision to pour out my heart to God. There are some major things going on in my life and in the lives of people around me about whom I care very much. I needed to pray for these people and I needed to share a burden that was and is on my own heart.

And...do you know what else? I needed to be GRATEFUL before the Lord. I needed to thank Him for the amazing blessings He has poured into my life. My children, my spouse, church, friends....I was overwhelmed with gratitude--and have been for some time.

God wants to hear from His children. I know that and in my head there's no doubt. My heart, however, is still being convinced.

1st Wednesday

2011-08-03T21:29:00.000-04:00

Our church has a special service on the first Wednesday of every month. It's a sweet, family-centered time where we sing, have a devotion, pray together and where communion is offered. I really look forward to these services and tonight's service was the best one ever.

Why? Well, it's nothing I can put my finger on exactly. Maybe it was the fact that it was "real", maybe the fact that I got to pray with a couple of my best friends, or maybe it was because there's just something exceedingly spiritual about corporate worship in such a relaxed atmosphere.

No matter the reason, I thank God for my church family, for friends who love me as I *am*, not as I "should" be. I thank God that I can show love to them and that I can worship Him with people who love him and who love each other.

Great news to share!

2011-07-19T10:56:00.003-04:00

This morning, when I checked my email, I was so THRILLED to see that I have been selected as one of the official bloggers for the Atlanta Women of Faith Conference in August. It's been years since I have been able to attend a WOF event and I am really excited about this opportunity. I can't wait to share the WOF experience with you!

Women of Faith Conference--Atlanta

2011-07-19T10:36:00.000-04:00

Blessings

2011-07-17T15:00:00.002-04:00

My daughter is 3 years old and has a pretty severe speech disorder. She's making progress, due to therapy and lots of practice and the outcome looks positive. However, we have been concerned about her development as she has struggled with low muscle tone and has been working with occupational and physical therapists. She's progressed rapidly in those areas and it's wonderful to see my daughter, who didn't walk until 22 months finally running and flipping around, going down her slide and, in her latest development, jumping.

Because we've been concerned about her development, we took her to a developmental pediatrician who has referred her to other specialists in order to get her checked out thoroughly. We've been to a pediatric neurologist, a pediatric orthopedist and she's checked out fine. She had an EEG that showed a "slight abnormality" as she went to sleep, so this week, we had a three-day visit to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital for a 3-day EEG.

Imagine trying to explain to a 3-year-old the process of having electrodes glued all over her head and forehead. Imagine the fear as they used an air line to dry the glue. It was traumatic, but the nurses were so professional and patient. They took very good care of us. In the end, this 3-day test showed that there were no abnormalities and she's been given a clean bill of health by everyone so far.

There are no words to express the gratitude I feel that God has kept his hand on my dear daughter. His love and faithfulness are amazing and all too often, in the busy-ness of life, I forget to meditate on His great love for us. Today, I took time to do that and I am overwhelmed with humility, gratitude and praise.

Picture

2011-07-03T19:52:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how a picture can capture and forever freeze a moment in vivid color. The image then allows--almost insists--that the emotions wash over you once more. I have a picture that does this for me. Taken almost 9 years ago, I still remember this moment, this feeling, this HOPE that was coursing through every fiber of my being.

I cannot help but smile. . .every single time I view it.

Almost Recovered

2011-06-19T21:13:00.000-04:00

This week I am 3 weeks out from my hernia repair--an open-incision surgery that I have been needing to have for a while now. As is usual with surgery, recovery has had its ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been moving forward at a steady pace. I am now able to do most of the things that I could do beforehand, except for lifting and though I tire more easily than before, I get a bit stronger every day.

Today, as I enjoyed my second church service since surgery, I really found myself focused on our pastor's sermon. Though aimed at fathers, the material was certainly applicable to everyone. Carll shared that godly people have their priorities aligned. He talked about how most people in the audience would even agree as to HOW to align our priorities, (God, spouse, family (kids) then others), that we don't really prioritize that way. He then challenged us to examine how we spend our time.

Ouch. Time is something I am pretty good at wasting. I have great intentions for how I will spend my time, but the actuality is that I end up doing whatever is easiest to do.

What is it that eats up your time? I really need to examine this one and re-align.

What I am listening to tonight...

2011-06-06T23:07:00.000-04:00

I first heard this song on the last episode of Outsourced on NBC. I am still missing the show, bigtime. This song is just one of those that caught my soul.

Allowing People to Love Me...

2011-06-06T21:31:00.000-04:00

I have always had a huge problem with pride. I don't ask for help and I HATE accepting help of almost any kind. I felt guilty at my wedding shower and baby showers--like I didn't deserve to be cared for.

Over the years, I have come to realize that one of the greatest blessings in life is to be able to help others. I love it when I can write a check to help a person go on a mission trip or when I can drop a few dollars in the collection boxes scattered around for various charities. I love it when I can give presents or send someone a surprise.

So, as I prepared to have surgery, the offers to send food, flowers, help or to visit started coming. It made me very uncomfortable. I really appreciate the wonderful gestures, but I feel so unworthy of them. Then, what I can only assume is the Spirit's voice starts whispering this thought to me. "Let me love you through them. Who are you to turn down what I have provided?" So, I swallowed my pride (that's exactly how it felt...like something was choking me up) and allowed people to do what they were offering. And, I have never felt so humbled, so loved and so cared for by so many people.

The weird thing is this...the people whom I would have assumed would pull out the stops to help me were not necessarily the ones who came forward. People whom I really didn't expect had any feelings towards me one way or another were on my doorstep or sending messages or phoning. I felt like Sally Field's speech, "You like me! You really like me!"

But no...it's not that. We are one body, many parts. We are supposed to love on one another. It's our way to show His love. I learned that these past few weeks and I fully intend to do my part to share His love when the opportunity arises.

Recovery

2011-06-06T11:30:00.000-04:00

I am amazed at how quickly my recovery is moving along. I was able to attend church yesterday and am able to take care of most of my daily needs. I can walk for a long time before I get worn out and I feel really well. I do tire much more easily, so I rest pretty often, but I feel almost back to normal.

This recovery time has been spent watching television and reading and laughing at the antics performed by my kiddos. It's been amazing to see how people have reached out to us and humbling to see the gestures made by the people in our church and at my workplace. Food, flowers, texts, phone calls and visits. They mean so much!

Going through something as traumatic as surgery is tough, but it's even tougher when there is no family around to assist. I honestly was very worried about this. How would we manage? I needn't have, because we have really been blessed by the thoughtfulness of others.

One thing's for certain. I will be CERTAIN to send flowers or food or just to check on people who have surgery in the future. I had no idea how lonely and scary this could feel. Thank God for people who chose to walk through those first few days with me.

Surgery

2011-06-02T09:12:00.000-04:00

Last Friday, May 27th, I checked into the hospital to have a hernia repair done. Well, actually, to have it RE-done. In 2003, after losing 190 pounds following RNY gastric bypass surgery, I developed a hernia and had to have it repaired with a surgical mesh. As a bonus, I was also able to have a panniculectomy, an operation to remove excess skin on the abdomen. That worked out well: 2 for the price of 1, I guess.

Have you seen those lawyer ads on TV about recalled hernia mesh? The http://www.kugelmeshrecall.com/ site is a prime example of how lawyers are trying to cash in on this medical recall. I am happy to report that no lawyers were made richer in this saga. I just had problems and had to have my hernia fixed again.

The bad thing about the surgery is that it required an open incision. Open abdominal surgery is done all the time, but it has risks and it's difficult to recover fully from. There's a huge scar, with staples or stitches, usually and then fun hospital perks like "incentive spirometers" and heperin shots. Oh, and I cannot forget the surgical drain! (G-R-O-S-S)

Fun times! Almost like a holiday!

I was in the hospital from Friday until about noon on Wednesday. The 4.5 hour trip home wore me out and today I am grateful to be in my own house being cared for by my family. I do feel antsy and wish I could get out already, but I know that I will most certainly tire right away.

So, I am home. Unable to drive or to care for more than my most basic needs. It's going to be a long 4-6 weeks, I think!

What I am reading...

2011-05-22T18:11:00.000-04:00

I was given this book for my 40th birthday by some dear friends. I am blessed with many acquaintances and casual friendly people in my life, but these ladies have been friends through thick and thin--something they will no doubt smile about should they ever read these words!

I really don't like syrupy, "everybody love Jesus and clap your hands" kinds of media. I have seen far too many people exploit the faith to further their own gain to read such things without skepticism. I feared this book would have that kind of smile and praise the Lord tone, but it didn't. I felt that this family is also "for real" and not at all trying to gain 15 minutes of fame by exploiting their son's story. I highly recommend this read. It certainly strengthened my faith!

JOE BONAMASSA--Happier Times

2011-05-20T20:55:00.001-04:00

I love music. I don't like music. I don't appreciate it. I passionately, wholeheartedly, and intensely love music. My musical tastes are eclectic and every few years I stumble upon an artist that just moves me beyond words--someone whose music can actually cause a visceral reaction. Describing this physical sensation is difficult for me, but it feels like someone has wrapped a cord around my sternum and is literally tugging at me from the inside. It's the most amazing, melancholy and sweet feeling in the world.

A few weeks ago, a friend introduced me to Joe Bonamassa, by sharing this song with me. Go ahead, take a listen. I will wait. :)

Today we had one of those deep conversations where it's okay to be really open and honest with no fear of being judged or viewed negatively. The kind of conversations I live for. Maybe we were able to talk because this was our soundtrack. Something about sharing music--especially music that you've lived invites openness and intimate conversation. Maybe that's how music came to be. . .

a long farewell

2011-04-17T17:05:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we hold on to things that we really should let go...Like a child to his security blanket we cling to things that really do us no good at best and that can cause us great harm, at worst. For me, this thing is my bulk.

Having always lived my life as a very large person, with a "high" weight of 432, I finally was able to shed 190 pounds after having gastric bypass surgery. I remember with a fond smile all of the "firsts" and all of the joys of those days as I found myself literally shrinking away. My students jokingly called me their "incredible shrinking teacher". It was the best year or so of my life. I felt so alive, so happy, so REAL. Before that, I had played the role of "funny fat lady" and it wore me out. I soon found that I could be more of myself at this smaller size and I stopped being such a doormat.

For a while.

About two years post-op, I met a guy (Isn't this how all tragedies are born?). A neat guy with a great sense of humor and someone with whom I had lots in common. We quickly became friends. He said he loved me. He included the word "but" at the end and instead of running for the hills, I fell into the fat-girl role of "I'll do anything to make him like me". This decision has haunted me and has left an indelible mark on my soul ever since.

Without giving any more details about this doomed relationship, I will tell you that I have never quite gotten over the fact that I was wrong. That I was rejected. Not based on my personality (that, I would have expected!), not because of my financial situation, not because of my beliefs or anything that had been molded or shaped or which could be altered. No, I was rejected because of my size. My NEW size, nonetheless. I was too big--something I had always known before but something I had come to believe was behind me.

I remember going to a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) dance in Georgia and a guy asked me why I was there. I was puzzled until he clarified that he didn't find me big enough to need to be there. (Yeah, he had a clumsy way of putting it, but I don't think he meant it in a bad way.) Those words and the words, hugs, letters, and long talks that had taken place over the months that I had lost almost 200 pounds stuck with me until I believed them. I was almost normal! I could buy clothes at the store for the first time since age 11. So what if they had to be bought in the plus department. Lots of women were my size and many were bigger.

People started telling me that I was pretty and even saying that I was (I am seriously giggling as I type this) s-e-x-y. Really? Me? I don't think so.

But, after a while, I believed it. Then, when he came along and called me up for a date, I thought, Why not? After all, people say that I am ready and that he wouldn't call if he weren't interested.

I had my doubts, but they were easily silenced that first date when he kissed me and made plans for the next date. He liked me, right?

Well, over the course of weeks, I found that yes, he did, but that while he loved hanging around with me and hours-long conversations with me and even "making out" with me, he would never love me like that.

Okay, being a big girl (both literally and metaphorically speaking!), I finally closed out what had been days and days of indecision on his part by posing a question to this man. Basically put, I asked him to name who he'd want to spend his last 24 hours with, should he find out that these last hours were upon him. After a long silence, some slamming of his steering wheel and a swear word, he finally choked out, "I guess it would be you", but his eyes betrayed his lie and I walked away from him never to return.

Almost 7 years later, it finally occurs to me that this event marked the end of my weight loss. Since that heart-wrenching day, my weight has stayed around the same point until my pregnancy. Even losing the pregnancy weight didn't jolt me into losing further. This is my comfort zone.

Comfort zone is a nice concept, but in my case it's a defect. I don't NEED to weigh this much to be safe or to be protected. I also don't need to punish myself for years and years over some stupid mistake I made in believing that someone loved me who didn't. I need to learn to love ME and to love and honor my body--at whatever size I am.

So, I am trying to say "farewell" to the fat girl. To the persona I have clung to. To the excess girth I carry like a security blanket and hide behind.

I pray I find the strength to believe that I can pull off normal.

Poured out

2011-04-10T21:00:00.000-04:00

I got to do something I have dreamed of doing for years. I had the opportunity to go back to my "home" church and sing today. It was so awesome to stand up as a mature woman of 40 years and to have the privilege to say, "Thank you!" to so many people who have moved me and who have literally poured theirs lives into mine. It was a very emotional moment and I don't think I have ever felt so loved in my life. I mean, these people have known me since I was a child and they have never stopped telling me what I mean to them and how much they care.

What a blessing they were to me. I hope that they know what a difference they have made in my life.

Today's Sermon

2011-04-03T16:06:00.000-04:00

When it comes to being a Christian, I have a real inferiority complex. I mean, I feel like the correspondence school kid sitting next to the Harvard grad. Part of me wonders when the ushers are going to come up, nod towards the door with a smile that says, "We let you have your fun, but it's time to go."

Weird? I dunno. I just have always felt that way and despite the fact that I have been "churched" for 30 years, I still do.

Today's sermon was the last in a series called "What if?" Carll, our campus pastor, did a great job talking about each of us being a part--an important part--of the body of Christ.

Here's the scripture:

Humble Service in the Body of Christ

³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a]faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

It was so encouraging to hear that each of us has a place and that we should do our calling to the best of our ability. I find myself thinking "in sober judgement" pretty often, but sometimes I have not had the freedom to apply that to having a place in the church.

What I am reading...

2011-04-03T15:48:00.001-04:00

Kellerman...lots of Kellerman. I just love his stuff. :)

One of my favorite songs...and appropriate for me today!

2011-03-19T18:56:00.000-04:00

You Came

2011-03-19T14:10:00.000-04:00

You asked me if I wanted you there.
I did.
So you came.
I don't think I ever said it.
Thank you.

G.

Clarification on previous post :)

2011-03-19T14:00:00.001-04:00

I had a comment on my previous post that showed me that I wasn't really clear on my intent. I am not at all morose or despondent. I just recognize that I am different than most people. I jokingly quip that I have alien DNA and that about once every decade I am fortunate enough to run into someone else who shares the same alien gene! I am overall a very happy person, I just feel disproportionately lonely. No one would ever guess at how alone I actually feel most of the time. It used to depress me, but in later years, I have learned to channel that feeling and to learn from it. I hope it has made me a better listener, friend and companion. I feel like I am a friend to many, but I feel like I have few friends of my own who really "get" me. Lots of people love me. I am fortunate beyond most in that area I think.

I don't feel unwelcome in my church, just again, very different. I don't feel what everyone else does. I do feel like they care about me. It's just that the whole place of church in their lives is something I don't have and I don't think I ever will. I would feel too restricted if I were as involved as they are.

I like the idea of trusting in myself. I agree for the most part. I take it even a step further and place my trust that God is watching out for me and I can totally trust His plan. I do let people in, it's just that they look around into what is me and leave shaking their heads--much like I do when I look at really "out there" abstract art. I think that my life's tapestry is just really woven in an incongruous manner, perhaps. To give my friends and fellow colleagues and church attendees credit, they may leave shaking their heads, but they do re-visit and seem to accept me. I just miss having someone who understands me, I guess.

I love people. I love their stories, their struggles and the way they celebrate life. I just feel like an onlooker more than a participant most of the time. I think I always will.

Thanks, justjane, for reading and for commenting! I hope I didn't alarm you! :) I was just writing stream of consciousness, I guess! :)

Happy? Wise? Fallen?

2011-03-19T11:10:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been pretty introspective and I am not sure what’s bubbling up, but something in fermenting in my soul. Writing, for me, is a way to add yeast to the mixture, so here goes.

I keep having random, yet poignant flashes of insight, like:

“Why do so many people expect to be happy all of the time?” Even to the point of demanding happiness like some spoiled child wanting another piece of candy…and then another…and another?

I’ve learned that we earn much more wisdom from the difficult time we endure than we could her hope to in times of “everything’s coming up roses”.

Last night on Facebook, a friend posted her doubts that anyone could ever be truly trustworthy. She’s right, no one can, but that also means, by definition, that NO ONE can be trusted, even ourselves! Most people miss that part.

I think that most people’s failures come from the need that we have to be and to feel loved, accepted, and/or part of a group. I know that for most of my own life, I have felt present in body, but absent in spirit—that is, I always end up feeling so very different from the norm—from the other people assembled in my presence. Why is this? I have learned that most people describe me as unique or bigger than life and most people would call me an extrovert, but there is a huge part of me that needs and seeks solitude and reflection. I find that the best way to recharge my life battery is to have a few hours of deep conversation with one of the few people who actually feel like I do, but those people are very few and far between. It tears out my heart when these people waltz out of my life, as people are destined to do. I so fondly remember them: J, J2, B1, J3, L, B…

Wow, lots of “J” names. Maybe that’s a clue for the future.

The hardest part for me about not fitting in is church. I know that sounds weird. Everyone is supposed to fit in there, right? The worship and the sermon are parts that I really get into, but the fellowship part is much more difficult for me. I don’t feel connected to people in general, so I don’t feel that whole “family of Christ” connection either. I believe in it. I get it. I just don’t have it. Weird?

Another weird thing…while I am on the topic, apparently…

There are people who feel connected to me. Who have made it their mission in life (for a time…they never last very long!) to befriend, mentor, change or educate me in some form or fashion. This would work out really well if they understood me and fit into that small group of people listed above, but these are not introspective, thoughtful folk—they tend to be shallow, selfish and/or much more materialistic than me. They hint, nudge and generally make me uncomfortable until I finally give up and somehow let them know that I am not going to follow their example and then they get mad and end the “relationship” that we never really actually had to begin with.

This has happened to me a couple of times in the past few years. It’s very strange and now I just don’t get close to people at all. I mean, if I can smell any kind of hidden agenda, I am out of there! FAST!

So, whom do I trust? That’s a really loaded question. No one, really. I mean, isn’t one of the tenets of the Christian faith that we are all sinners and that basically every human being is out for himself or herself. Even Adam and Eve, who were CREATED for one another tried to blame the other person for their own failure. That’s just what humans do. So, you cannot be trusted. Neither can I. I think that’s the point where grace comes in. We must give one another the grace that we would desire for ourselves. In other words, go ahead and love people but know all along that they are going to fail. That’s what God did for us, right?

Losing weight...thoughts on body image

2011-03-13T20:25:00.001-04:00

I am watching Ruby tonight and there's a point where she gets smaller than she has ever been, and immediately stops losing weight. In fact, she re-gains some. I can SO relate to this! When I get down to a certain weight--about 242--I don't lose any more. I am right at that point right now and I find myself studying my profile and looking at my face and my body. My husband wraps his arms around me and holds me and says stuff like "Wow, you are really getting skinny!" and my size has dropped to the smallest I have been since reaching adulthood, but I have never allowed myself to be this small.

I use the word "allow" because it seems that at this point, I have always somehow sabotaged my weight loss. Ruby, in this episode, has reached a weight that people think she is sabotaging and refusing to move past. I understand THAT this happens...still working on understanding WHY.

For me, moving to the point where I am smaller means more comments from other people...more touches...more people treating me like I matter. I really get uncomfortable with how familiar people become. It throws everything off balance, because the people who are in my life now are here DESPITE the weight. They love me for who I am and not for what I look like or what I do.

My sense of humor and the way that I, as we say in the South, "cut up and carry on" is something has masked years of pain, loneliness and hurt ever since I was a kid. I still use humor to cover up what I really feel--except with one or two people in my life. It has always been that way.

Humor keeps the demons at bay!

It's Been Awhile...

2011-03-13T18:48:00.000-04:00

If I could tell you the events that have kept me from blogging lately, you would do one of the following: Laugh, Cry, Moan, Shake your Head or try to have me committed. Maybe you would choose more than one!

I will hit the highlights.

I turned 40 and spent the day with some of my dearest friends and had the BEST red velvet cake EVER. We laughed, hugged and shared good food and that was the best present they could ever have given me.

My husband, after a series of not-so-subtle hints bought me a gorgeous diamond and sapphire ring to commemorate my milestone birthday. I was very happy with it and still find myself admiring it every time I see it on my finger! Good job, hubby!

A major surgery was supposed to happen for me on March 4. I had the medical leave arranged, hotel booked for my family and we set out on our 3.5 hour drive to report to the medical center. I was scared. Very scared. I had fallen apart at work the day before and was really panicky about the whole thing. The surgery was to repair a hernia, so there was the whole bowel cleanse that had to be done the day before as well. Fun times! Then, like a reprieve from Heaven, the call came (while we were in the hospital parking lot, no less!) that the surgery had been cancelled due to my surgeon coming down with the flu. Yay! Let's eat. That about sums up my reaction.

Speaking of eating...I am all into the new season of Ruby and am loving it so far, but I noticed that when I watch it, I really want to EAT. Not to mention, have you noticed how many FOOD commercials come on shows like that? Weird. It's not healthy food, either!

As for my own struggle with weight, I am down 25 pounds since January 5th and I love that. I am wondering about whether or not this particular diet is the perfect fit. I love eating this way, but I am thinking of going on into maintenance and seeing what happens when I add more carbs and fruits in. The good news is that I know I can lose weight. I am again at my smallest weight since having the gastric bypass and not many people can say that a whole decade out!

Last week, I was able to spend some time with a great friend. I only have one or two very close friends with whom I can be 100% myself (I scare the others away, I fear!). We were really looking forward to the day and when the tragedy in Japan came across my Facebook and Twitter feed, I knew that God had a hand in the timing. Her son was in the Pacific at the time of the earthquake and tsunamis. I felt so humbled to get to share the time with her because not only the week before she had done the same for me. God is good and He's really blessed me with a great friend in her.

Now, onward to Spring. Wonder what lies ahead?

Connections

2011-02-18T19:15:00.000-05:00

I am a pretty fortunate person. I have many undeserved blessings in my life and I have had some very intense and life-affirming relationships. I had the enormous privilege this week to hang out for several hours with one of my favorite people in the world, who just happens to be a relative as well. It's rare that our paths cross, but it's always such a wonderful experience when we do. There's something special about knowing someone has always known me and that despite that, still loves me just as I am. What a blessing!

This Song Moves Me...

2011-01-22T21:13:00.001-05:00

Billy Joel - And So It Goes (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Billy Joel

No words I can add. He says it all.

Pet Peeves

2011-01-22T21:09:00.001-05:00

I really try not to complain.

Seriously!

Okay, I have a couple of friends that I will vent to, but for the most part, I just "suck it up" and go on. I don't feel that I am supposed to agree with every decision made by those around me, but I have always believed in submitting to authority--for the most part.

Here lately, I have been noticing how the "we value your time" mantra is being wayyyyyy overused. Not only that, it's being A-bused.

Case in point - my church just sent out an email that said that people who volunteer should show up on time and that those volunteers can expect the leadership to do the same.

Really?

That has not been my experience.

Second case = a weight loss class I am attending. In the manual it says that they "value" my time and that classes will begin and end on time. Not so much there, either.

So far, I have attended three classes and all three have started late and ended early. Every time.

Now, I realize that people have varying degrees of timeliness, but I think that when we're talking 15 minutes or more off schedule then there is a definite problem.

My other pet peeve (of late...don't worry, I have lots!) is how people say "we should get together soon" and they don't really mean it. I know it's supposed to be trendy and friendly, but when you make that offer, the person who hears it is most likely going to take you at your word. So, if you say it and don't follow up, you have either devalued that friendship or you have proven yourself to be "fake".

I guess the root of both of these actions would be the fact that the other person or persons is putting their own desires above those of others, but in a sly way. If you're more than 15 minutes late, then you are not valuing my time, nor ME. If you repeatedly say you want to get together, but never follow through, then you are just saying that to get some response from me to make you feel good. It's better to say nothing at all.

Losing weight...hmmmmmm

2011-01-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

I started Thrive! Weight Loss and I have to say that I was pretty skeptical that this would work for me. For those of you who don't normally read my blog, I will give you a bit of background:

At age 5, I weighed 101 pounds at my school wellness check. By age 9, my Presidential Fitness Test record shows that I weighed 180 pounds. I remember wearing a 38/30 jeans size. In 5th grade, I shopped for school clothes at a store for the last time. I wore a Woman's size 44 (Today that would be a 24/W.) which was the largest size that could be bought off the rack in those days. I was 12.

My teen years saw me get larger and larger and I shopped out of the Lane Bryant catalog and tried not to think of how fat I was. I went to rehab for people with eating disorders at the age of 17 and when I got out, I found a way to lose about 80-100 pounds. Still, I never got below 240. Within a year, I had relapsed and at the end of my senior year, I was back up to 320. I married the following year at 365--eventually climbing up to 430 pounds, the weight I weighed when I underwent gastric bypass.

I was about 400 pounds here, I think.

430 pounds. Size 60.

The surgery was in July 2000 and I lost 190 pounds. I got down to the 240 mark and pretty much stayed there for the next 8 years. Sometimes I would gain 15 pounds or so, but would go on to drop it over the summer.

In September 2007, I conceived and my daughter was born in May at 38 weeks gestation. I had only gained 32 pounds and when I went for my one-week postnatal checkup, I had lost all but 8-10 pounds. I was ecstatic!

Then...maternity leave happened! I spent my days gazing at my newborn and grazing when I could and soon found out that I had gained almost all of my pregnancy weight back. After a few attempts at losing, I had some nutritional bloodwork done, corrected some deficiencies and then ended up losing 10-12 pounds. This left me hovering around 258-265 all the time.

Last week, when I signed up for Thrive!, they took my measurements and weighed me. I weigh at home without benefit of clothing (in the South, we call that 'nekkid'!) and so I weighed in at 267, so no surprises there. I looked at the number...figured it could be worse (Last January, I got all the way up to 278.).

I weighed at home the day I started Thrive! My scale said 265. This was Wednesday morning. Today is Saturday. When I awoke, I weighed in and was elated to see that the scale said 254. WOW! I was thrilled to see this and very surprised. I didn't expect this because I have had so much trouble losing and because I am so new to the program that I have to make an occasional guess as to what to eat. I sure hope that this trend continues. I know that it will slow down, but I really hope to see the magical 240 again!

For those of you who are wondering what I look like today....this is my post-weight-loss surgery face.

So...wish me luck. I am hoping that this new program will boost my metabolism and allow me to finish the weight loss journey I started 11 years ago!

2011 has arrived

2011-01-02T16:34:00.000-05:00

Several things going on...

I am learning to knit....

My daughter now comes up to me to give me random hugs.
She has a serious speech disorder...quite possibly apraxia of speech. That scares me.

My son will turn 12 this year (how did that happen?).

Tomorrow I will attend my first Thrive class.

Work resumes tomorrow....still love my job after 5 years. That's a record for me! :)

So there it looms....

2010-12-28T20:05:00.000-05:00

2011

The year I turn 40 (quite early in the year, even)...

The year I face another surgery...not sure if it will be an easy one or an extensive one, but all surgery is scary...

The year my 3-year-old will start preschool. How did this happen so soon?!

The year that I want to learn to knit...

and play guitar...

and spend more time with friends.

No matter what the year holds, it's coming.
Fast!

If wishes were horses....

2010-12-18T22:59:00.000-05:00

Saw this status about a million times on Facebook today:
Every Christmas you always hear people saying what they want and bought. Well this is what I want, I want people who are sick with no cure to be able to be cured. I want children with no families, to be adopted, I want people to never have to worry about food and shelter & heat. Now, lets see how many people re-post this who actually care. I hope I see re-posts but I have a feeling I am gonna see almost no re-posts

From the beginning, it bothered me. It reminds me of helpless hand-wringing individuals who talk about what they'd do if they were in charge. Of water cooler conversations where people pontificate endlessly about things that they'll never be able to change.

If you want people who are sick with no cure to be helped, then SPEND TIME WITH THEM. It's not pleasant. It's not easy. But it needs to be done. Don't waste wishes on them. That does them no good.

Do you want to help a kid with no family. GREAT! Foster care and adoption agencies are waiting for you? Can't adopt? No problem, send a care package to a kid in a group home. Become a big brother or sister. Talk nicely to that kid who bags your groceries for college tuition. Don't cuss out the server who's working to afford textbooks.

It's not rocket science. There are a million ways to help others.

Food? Make a meal for a shut-in!
Shelter? Donate to one!
Heat? When's the last time you rounded your utility bill up to help those who need it?

Re-posting? Doesn't help. It's just lip service.

Do something with what you have....Acts of kindness are so badly needed all through the year.

Wishing is just a waste of time and valuable energy.

Just do it!

The Holidays

2010-12-16T20:56:00.000-05:00

I am not into holidays. I really don't like to go all out for them and I try to avoid situations that call for certain emotions to be expressed simply because it's time. For example, I feel that we should be perpetually thankful, rather than reserving that particular frame of mind for a certain day of the year. In addition, I find Christmas cheer to be forced in most cases as evidenced by the mean-spirited hustle and bustle during days like Black Friday and the following shopping days. People complain about "having" to spend so much money on Christmas, "being obligated" to spending time with people they don't like...

It goes on and on...

So this year, like most years, I celebrate in my own, unique way. Yesterday, I popped by the local grocer on my way home to pick up a few staples, (after all, in the South, we have a tradition of hoarding milk and bread any time a snowflake falls...it's taught to us from birth!). On my way out of the store, freezing rain was falling and it was COLD and windy as I hurried to my car--only to find an older lady loading her groceries into the cab of her yellow mini-pickup v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y right next to the driver's side door of my car.

In that moment, shivering from the cold, I had two choices and they both came to me clear as day. I could act all annoyed and show how she was inconveniencing me by taking up the space outside my door and preventing me from going on my way, or I could extend grace to her by waiting patiently. Waiting patiently would be the polite thing to do, but I felt like I could do more.

She noticed me right before she picked up her last bag and embarrassedly excused herself. I smiled and assured her that there was no problem at all. As she lifted her last bag into her truck, I asked her if she would allow me to return her shopping cart (or buggy, as we Southerners call them) for her. She happily agreed and I returned the cart and then hopped into my car to start home.

Those are the small things that can matter to people. My colleagues don't need another "A+ Teacher" mug, magnet or pen, but a card telling them how much they mean to me would be a gift that might just lift their spirits for awhile.

Case in point. This week, amongst the usual Christmas cards, I found a bag that had two simple items in it...a K-Cup and a biscotti. I didn't know for a moment who gave this small, but very meaningful gift to me, but instantly knew that whomever gave it to me knew me very well and was sending me a message of true caring and that she understood me. It's the best work gift I have gotten all year!

Showing real love...practical love...that's what I want to give for Christmas...not because it's expected or because it's appropriate...but because it's already ben shown to me.

Praise the King

2010-12-11T22:16:00.000-05:00

I learned this song by request. Our worship leader's wife told me about it and our band and backup choir did it 3 years ago at Christmas. I sang the lead part and I have to say that this song has come to mean so much to me over the last 3 years.

The first Christmas Eve I sang it, I was a new mom (again, after a 9 year span) and I thought it was a sweet song. I loved playing with the melody and how the song swells and moves.

The next Christmas service had me singing it again and this time, I had lost my dear mother-in-law and as I sang "rocking chairs that sway", I thought of her final summer and how she wanted to be out on her front porch as often as possible.

This year, tomorrow in fact, I will sing it again. Tomorrow's performance is not the most special one, nor were the ones I performed those previous two years.

Instead, it was the one I sang tonight...in my 30-month-old's room as I gently swayed her to sleep in her rocker. I held her close and stroked her little face as I sang..."and praise Him for the rolling hills, where children laugh and play..." and then I heard a little voice join in...that of my 11-year-old son who was right outside the room singing along.

I am blessed far beyond what I could ever deserve.

Praise the King!

Sinterklaas and other musings

2010-12-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow my family will celebrate Sinterklaas. It's such a neat time of the year and quite different from the typical grab and tear gift giving that I grew up with. We try to teach our kids that family time is one of the most precious gifts we can give each other. We're obsessive about taking meals together and spending time together. We protect our days off with ferocity and we've learned that family is the place where you're always loved--even when you've had a bad day or when you're being a jerk or when you just mess up. I love the security that I am feeling about our family these days. It's a new and scary feeling for me, but I like it!

This time of year always reminds me of my parents--both long gone now and I always feel a bit sad that my Daddy and I can't share a pot of coffee while we try to stay warm around his dining room table. I miss him so much and I miss how much he loved me. I must have worried him at times, but I hope that he was proud of the woman I became.

Growing up, I really didn't like Christmas. I had few good memories of the holidays. What I remember mostly is that people drank too much or weren't around because they were incarcerated. When I got old enough to drive, I just left home and stayed on the roads as much as possible.

The coolest Christmas activity I remember happened with Rodney, my childhood best friend. We went Christmas caroling one year with our church. I had never done that before--still don't do it very often, but that year, I remember feeling so happy and so loved and accepted--not a feeling I had very often. I miss Rodney so much. He lives on in my heart and in my memories and in my music.

Spiritual Puberty

2010-11-28T18:15:00.000-05:00

There's something about Autumn that finds me in a very soul-searching mood. It happens every year without fail. I find myself engaged in a lot of introspection and a general sense of melancholy descends. I am not in any way depressed or despondent--just moody.

Spiritually speaking, I have been examining myself for months, maybe even 2 years or so...groping for answers, longing for my faith to flow more naturally, wondering how the people around me can just immerse themselves in the whole culture of the church, while I find myself feeling cynical and so out of the loop. I know that life is not black and white and that faith is not constant. Life, by very nature, ebbs and flows.

A few weeks ago, our church started a 40-day reading plan. It's pretty cool--kind of like a New Testament Church Survey course. It's the four gospels and the book of Acts in 40 days. Our pastor, Matt, outlined the plan and encouraged everyone to participate. I love the plan and decided to do it and I did. For one day.

One day.

Really?

I am not a daily kind of person. I don't exercise every day. I don't even remember to take my medicine every day unless I tie it to an alarm or something. I have always marveled at people who have a "daily walk with God". I never have been able to do that consistently. A week, a few weeks, tops is all I have been able to do. Then, like a dieter who throws in the towel, I just stop.

I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe that he is God, that He was born of a virgin, lived a perfect life and died on the cross to pay for my sins. I believe that He wants to have a personal relationship with those who follow Him.

I WANT to follow Him. I try to do what would please Him.

I just feel awkward doing it. When I pray, I worry that it's not being done the right way. Do I pray like the Lord's prayer? Do I need to follow that formula exactly? What about the other formulas I was taught?

Same thing for reading my Bible...Do I pray first, then read? Read first, then pray? Take notes? Follow a devotional plan? Do a study of one of the books of the Bible?

Ok, I am not stupid and I know that I am making this way too complicated. I get that. I just can't seem to "flow" when I do this. It feels so stinking awkward. It's like I am going through spiritual puberty.

So here I am. Tentatively preparing to start my own 40 days today. I am going to try the "fake it til you make it" method. If you are one of those people whose spiritual life flows along, say a little prayer for me.

Thankgiving List

2010-11-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

Always glad to see a new Cornwell book come out.
So thankful for my new iPhone and more than that, for my awesome husband for getting it for me! :)
Good friends. You KNOW who you are!
My job--truly the best one I have ever had!
My kids and husband. They're all I have left and I love them fiercely.

Wow...it's been too long...

2010-10-28T21:23:00.001-04:00

Such a delay! This school term has kept me hopping, but I plan to post again soon. :)

Jazz on a Saturday Night

2010-09-19T22:02:00.001-04:00

Jazz music engulfs me holding me captive in it's melancholy spell. I sit alone outside. The fall breeze makes flickering flames bounce wildly as I sit staring and thinking of you. Longing to feel your presence here with me. Wondering what it would feel like to have your hand reach out and caress the back of my neck.

We're worlds apart. Destined to always be. Still,for just a moment, you appear. Brown eyes shining in the glow of the candles. Wine glass sparkling as you sip and stare into the light. Saying nothing. Nothing needing to be said.
With the tip of your glass and a wink you disappear into the night and back into your world.

Once again I find myself alone.

Almost Normal

2010-08-29T16:43:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those serendipitous days where I almost feel like a "real" wife and mother. I took the kiddos to church, had a cool discussion of the sermon with my son who declared that he now sees that he "really didn't learn much" in children's church (not a slam, mind you! It's just that he's really learning lots of new stuff from the weekly sermon.), and then a brief stop at Dollar General for cake mix and icing. Since yesterday, I have been craving chocolate cake with chocolate icing...not a usual craving for me, but the boys were thrilled and Nika helped me consume only half a piece, so it all worked out.

This evening I have a coffee date with a dear friend whom I almost never get to talk to for over 5 minutes.

Life is good. I almost feel normal...not so much the child with the dysfunctional family and the horrendously grotesque body. Not the divorced failure who couldn't make her husband love her (the first one, that is...the second one adores me!). Not the misfit who works so hard to make people laugh with me, so that they won't laugh AT me.

Almost normal.

Good Deed Done Unto Me

2010-08-28T19:21:00.000-04:00

I had such a cool experience today. I was waiting in line at Lake Winnie, a local amusement park. Hubby and kiddos were already inside, but I had taken the car in for an oil change and came along later. While I was standing in line a lady tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a free entrance and ride pass to get into the park. She explained that she'd had one extra. I was SO grateful. What a kind thing to have done!

Amazon's Kindle

2010-07-30T10:22:00.000-04:00

I love to read. With both of my children, I was so thrilled when they were old enough to toddle around so that I could once again enjoy my favorite pastime. So, when the Kindle debuted, I really wanted one and I almost ordered one several times. One of my favorite authors, Jennifer Weiner (see her latest below), lost one on a plane and posted her misfortune on Facebook. I was actually SAD for HER! Even though I had not yet bought one.

I do have the Kindle App on my iPod Touch, but I find myself swiping pages so fast that I can barely enjoy the reading experience because of the small screen.

Though I love electronics, I truly do watch my pennies and I didn't want the HUGE added expense of the iPhone. I can't see my way clear to paying for a data plan. I even keep my text messaging to the lowest possible level, because I don't want to wast any money on a service that I don't NEED.

Back to the Kindle dilemna. I literally screamed at the debut of the iPad and I really love the device (nope, I don't own one...I just think they're cool). I even had planned to purchase one. Then came the lawsuit against Apple because of overheating issues. So, back to the Kindle I swayed.

Check out my Kindle link to see if the features suit you. I decided that with the time is right to buy for several reasons, but check out the features for yourself. I think you'll be surprised!

Loss

2010-07-25T22:49:00.000-04:00

Rodney
I was in kindergarten and they were assigning us seating. Across from me sat this boy who had more curls on his head than I had ever seen in my life! I was amazed and even more amazed when I found out that he lived on the next street. We ended up riding the same bus for a few years. I remember his blue "Madison St. Baptist Church" windbreaker jacket. I loved it and wanted one, too. In 4th grade, we sat together in the cafeteria before school started and he'd tell jokes and have us all laughing. He was my best friend for so many years.

Our teen years were the best. We studied music together, sang together, wore out no telling how many cordless phones. We shared our writings and our hopes, dreams and frustrations. We had fights, too. One big one took over 4 years to resolve. Later, he would fill me in on those years and my heart would ache that he went through some of the dark times that he did.

Suddenly, I was facing my own life crisis and he was there--offering support, a helping hand, advice and (as usual) trying to boss me around a bit like some overbearing big brother. He helped me through and then cheered me on as I rebuilt my life--always promising to drop in and check up on me.

That, unfortunately, wasn't meant to be.

We stayed in touch when he'd come to town to visit his parents and we emailed or talked on the phone, but a few months would pass in between. In January, he'd called to tell me of his move and how things weren't working out like he'd hoped. He told me a little of this what he referred to as "drama" and promised to call me back on Wednesday. Many Wednesdays came and went and I think we even played phone tag a couple of times. My spring and summer were spent dealing with infertility treatments, work and a national conference in the midst of a visit from family who'd traveled from Holland, so I kept putting off the call until I had time to really sit and chat.

So many times, I have regretted that decision!

In September, I got the news that Rodney was seriously ill and a few hours later, the news came that he was gone. My best friend. The keeper of my secrets. The one who had been my best cheerleader EVER was gone.

Of course, I went back home for his funeral. I smiled when I saw his band jacket and remembered all the times that I'd been with him after ballgames, at the fair at midnight, or just riding around. The nights during Wednesday night prayer meeting when we would "borrow" our parents' cars and drive around with only learning permits and later with our new driver's licenses. We even worked together in a large retail store for awhile and I remembered those times as well.

Rodney's family has always treated me as their own. We were only 3 weeks apart in age and they have known me almost all my life. His dad and my mom worked in the same factory until my mother, who the eldest, retired.

I have always been amazed at how our paths crossed at random, but our lives were intertwined by choice and held together through the worst of storms.

Rodney knew how much I wanted to give birth. He knew that my body had held me prisoner in so many ways before and when I found out--just one week after we laid him to rest that I was pregnant, I felt like somehow he would have been thrilled that the last time I touched his face and held his hand, that I was nurturing the life of my daughter.

He would have smiled at that.

Then, he would have made some gross comment about how he hoped I didn't scream and act like a madwoman when I had the thing.

That's just how he was. :)

Nadine
Nadine became my mother-in-law when I was 19 and she was officially relieved of that duty when I was 31, but she never stopped. She had welcomed me into her home the first night I entered and for well over a decade, she had called me daughter. When my own mother died, she took over the role effortlessly and with such grace. I was more than happy to let her, because by then, I knew how much Nadine loved me and loved my son, who was a mere toddler when her son and I divorced.

Nadine and I were friends. We talked about our lives, shared recipes, ideas, hopes and even the sad things. I talked to her throughout my pregnancy and she was thrilled that I was finally able to experience that part of womanhood that had been denied me for so long. When my daughter came into this world without biological grandparents from my side, Nadine declared herself my daughter's Mema and that's how it was. I was so humbled by that and so proud that my daughter would have Nadine's influence in her life.

After returning from our first trip as a family to Holland, Nadine came to visit. She told me that since we'd been gone, she'd had a really bad headache that had lasted for over a month. I was concerned for her and urged her to go to a doctor. She told me that her doctor had reassured her that it wasn't Parkinson's and that she'd go if it didn't get better.

That was the last time I saw her walk on her own. Within days, she was diagnosed with brain tumors and within weeks she was in hospice care. On what would have been my wedding anniversary (to her son), she died and I still ache from the hole that she left. Not only am I again without a mother, but I am also without her advice, encouragement, friendship and love.

I miss her so much.

Daddy
In the South, we're taught to be daddy's girls and I am no exception. I worshiped the ground upon which my father walked. He was the best and I felt so bonded to him. We had very much in common, though I know he felt differently than did I about many things. He understood me at my core and not many people have been able to do that.

Daddy was a great storyteller and he kept everyone smiling. In fact, conflict was not allowed around him. People didn't fight in daddy's presence because he'd put a stop to it right away. His mother, my granny and he were close and I was blessed to spend much of my young life with her. I identify with both of them and often wonder what my grandfather was like. Daddy was close to him and always spoke admirably of him. He wanted to be like his own father and I am the same way.

I carry daddy's dog tags from Korea on my key chain. It's a way to keep his memory close and to honor him.

My first best friend, J
The first real loss I experienced wasn't a death. It was more like a missing person's case. My best friend from church moved away from our small town in a fairly sudden manner. She knew she was going but only had a few days' notice. We said our teary goodbye and then she was gone. We exchanged a letter or two and then silence filled the distance.

Weeks turned to months and to years and I learned that she'd left due to the commission of a crime. I still waited, hoping to hear from her. I thought of her every day for years and then one day I realized that a few days had passed without sorrow for my missing friend. A small amount of guilt followed and eventually I didn't miss her as much, but for decades I wondered about her.

Last year, she contacted me and filled in the gaps. She's had more than her share of sorrow and my heart aches to somehow reach through time and re-establish the friendship we once shared, but I find that it's not as easy as I'd hoped.

Trust
It happens to us as we grow, doesn't it? From Santa Claus to the tooth fairy, we find that the things we count as fact--as certainties, can fall apart at the seams in a split second. An overheard word or carelessly placed receipt. A sudden noise or the closing of a door can fill us with disillusion and questions that we'd wish never had to be answered.

We move on through adolescence and find that relationships can and do unravel--some rather painlessly, while others threaten to rip out our hearts. People lie, cheat, hurt, steal. The people we placed on pillars fall off and we watch helplessly as their facades shatter around them.

Our innocence gets replaced by a wariness better suited for our protection and if we're lucky, we won't turn into complete cynics. If we aren't, then we'll have to battle those demons and others as we make our way through the paths we have chosen.

None of us escapes loss. None of us escapes grief. We run and many of us try to hide, but it finds us anyway.

Pray that we're lucky or blessed enough to have faithful, loving companions to help us along the way.

Communion, churches and families

2010-07-25T21:48:00.000-04:00

People who come from less than ideal home situations often create families out of the need to feel loved, to be a part of a group that feels safe, or just to feel accepted. I am not exception to this trend and I started gathering "family" as a child. I remember one instance when in particular that happened during a midnight New Year's Eve service at church.

My parents didn't go to church, so I grabbed a ride or rode on the church bus in order to attend. I don't remember how I got to church on this particular evening, but I do remember that when the service started they announced that the communion service would be a "family communion". Only 11 or 12 years old, and feeling a little panicked, I looked around me and was so relieved to feel Dee Hall's hand patting my leg and assuring me that I would be part of her family. What a wonderful feeling it was to feel wanted and to be included during such a solemn time.

In fact, even now I find myself alone during communion times. My son is young and has not yet chosen Christianity and my daughter is a mere toddler. My husband is not a Christian, either, so every time we gather, I find myself holding back and I don't partake--simply because it feels awkward to do so.

In other congregations, the communion is offered in different ways--passed down the rows, or in a line formation. Some churches offer communion only to believers, others only to members, while others offer open communion for anyone who wishes to partake. I always find myself smiling wistfully at the families who share this bond alongside their Christian brothers and sisters.

I am an active member in my church, but I still find a part of myself reluctant to embrace this whole notion of "familyhood"--probably because of the connotation of the word itself.

This is not to say that I have not been blessed with an awesome tapestry of family. My life has been flooded with people who have loved me thoroughly, unconditionally and unwaveringly. My next post is about some of those people.

Links to the past

2010-07-25T16:19:00.000-04:00

Cosmic possum.

Google it.

I dare you.

My RockBridge Story...

2010-07-01T18:47:00.001-04:00

I became a Christian at age 11, followed all the rules (okay, MOST of the rules), dated and married the way I was "supposed to" and even served as a youth minister and worship leader. Imagine my surprise, hurt, anger and resentment when I found myself facing a divorce and a church situation full of judgement rather than compassion. I simply dropped out, moved to another state and started all over. I could do just fine without God's family, right? Especially since "they" were so uncaring, anyway.

Fast forward a few years and I found myself very lonely for God's people and estranged from God and from His ways. I found a church to attend, but not the family atmosphere that I needed. I kept going but it was mostly out of guilt--trying to "fake it til I made it".

My former pastor and his wife had helped get Rockbridge Calhoun off the ground and they kept inviting me to come "sometime" and without pressure. One Sunday, about 6 weeks before I was due to deliver my daughter, I took the chance and made an appearance. Rockbridge has been HOME since then. I found so many people who had similar stories and who were completely unafraid to be "real" and to be there for people who needed them.

Thank God for keeping me in His hand and for leading me to RBCC!

Frustrated

2010-06-21T18:58:00.000-04:00

On Friday, I went to Vanderbilt University Medical Center for my annual checkup. On July 27th, I will be TEN YEARS out from my Roux en Y gastric bypass surgery. (Bows, mumbles "Yes, thank you...").

It's been a wonderful 10 years. I lost 190 pounds, regained 30, lost almost 10, gained it back, but what I will never lose is my sense of LIFE that I gained from undergoing this surgery and from losing so much of the excess weight.

My frustration stems from the fact that they don't know what to DO with me now. I had surgery so long ago and things were so different then that I have not followed the same routine as the newer patients. They even told me that now they make the pouches smaller than when I had mine done.

For those of you who have little knowledge of what happens, I will run down my experience. I went into the hospital weighing somewhere around 427 pounds. They cut my stomach down to the size of a man's thumb, sewed me back up, told me to drink liquids for a couple of weeks, move on to soft foods and then take vitamins and calcium for the rest of my life. Add a pat on the back and a thumbs up for good luck and you have my post-op experience.

Nowadays, there are special bariatric supplements that one is expected to take. Calcium, B-12, multivitamins, and for someone like me, iron as well. The calcium has to be Calcium Citrate (for years I took the other kind, out of ignorance) and the B-12 I thought was for health nuts.

Fast forward nine years to last spring. I appear at the offices and learn that I have anemia, Vitamin D and B-12 deficiencies, some bone loss, etc. They gave me some guidelines and I have slowly worked those into my lifestyle. (The B-12 is tricky, but I can do a monthly injection and probably will.)

So what's my frustration?

Glad you asked!

Since January, I have been tracking my food intake and trying to drop my pregnancy weight. The Spring and Summer before I conceived, I lost 20 pounds without changing ANYTHING as far as diet goes. I did go to Curves, but not enough to make that big of a difference. I have really tried to re-create that season of my life to see what caused the weight loss because I NEED IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN! :)

The only things that were different for me is that I was taking Metformin, fertility drugs and PreCare chewable prenatal vitamins. I didn't do anything to try to lose weight...I just lost it.

On Friday, I finally got to talk to my nurse practitioner and to the nutritionist about this. The nutritionist told me that if my B-12 and other nutrients are severely deficient (as they have been), then my body will "hang on" to the excess weight because during times of malnourishment metabolism slows.

Great. (This is where I start to whine!)
So, let me get this straight. I can eat what I want and my weight is 267-272. I can diet and exercise and my weight is 267-272. No matter what I do, I am stuck there.

What would YOU do?

Ok, yes I know that the right answer is to eat right, exercise, drink water and then when the levels come back up, I am already doing what is needed, therefore the weight will come off. I know that and I will do that, but I really feel so FRUSTRATED!

Seriously.

I just want to cry.

Products I like....

2010-05-27T19:59:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I have taken the time to write. The end of the school term is always hectic, but my laptop makes it so much easier. So, let's start there, shall we?

I use an aluminum Macbook in my job and I love how easy it is to take video, pictures, slideshows, podcasts and other media straight to the Web. Other items I use? Flip camera, MobileMe, and iLife.

Enough about work. After all, I am on holiday, right? Let's talk about my current favorite home gadgets.
The first one is my all-time favorite--the Keurig Platinum Single-Cup Brewing System. I love it because I can brew iced tea, iced coffee, hot tea, hot cocoa and hot coffee all in the same machine. Never a mess (the word keurig is Dutch for "neat") and I can instantly offer guests a drink any time. What's not to love?

The Keurig uses K-Cups and there are so many to choose from! My favorite beverage is coffee and my favorite coffee is Emeril's French Quarter Roast. I found a new Bold Hazelnut that I also like from Green Mountain.

One interesting story about the Keurig is that our school bought one for the office and then the PTO was gracious enough to buy one for our workroom. Though not everyone uses these machines, it allows everyone who DOES to brew his or her own perfect cup of coffee, tea, or hot cocoa. What a nice way to cheer up those cold, dark, winter mornings!

Another favorite item I recently obtained is the Cuisinart Ice Cream maker. This is not a purchase I would have made except that I had enough Visa Rewards points to get one at no cost. I was very skeptical about whether or not this machine would work or if were going to be worth the effort. We used it last week for the first time and I have to say that the whole family loved it and that clean up was a breeze! This is a wonderful little machine and it allows me to control what goes into our ice cream and other frozen treats. I can even use Splenda to make sugar free batches.

Speaking of ice cream, let me explain that our family lives in Georgia, a place that enjoys 3 short seasons and a long, hot summer. This is great, but it means that we really like cold things to eat and drink, which explains why Iced Tea is the "house wine of the South" I suppose. (Can't you just hear Dolly quote that line from Steel Magnolias?) My kiddos love popsicles and so does my husband. I am not thrilled about feeding them sugar water, so I prefer frozen juice, but the ones in the grocery store are a bit pricey. So, last week at the Kitchen Collection, I bought some popsicle molds to make our own juice pops. Awesome!

Ok, I think that's it for kitchen items.

Now for the all-time greatest birthday present. My daughter is two and she loves the water. We took our family to Myrtle Beach for Spring Break and she played herself silly in the sand, but she wasn't too fond of the big, ole ocean itself. On the other hand, she splashes and plays in the water as often as possible.

Before we left on Spring Break, we bought her a small swing set. It's large enough for both her and her 11-year-old brother, but not anything fancy. This made us realize that maybe it was time for a sand box. As I searched the Web for ideas, I found what I thought to be the PERFECT solution. I excitedly shared it with my husband, who wasn't so sure at first. Then, after a few days of thinking, he agreed that this sand/water table was the perfect solution. We ordered it and our daughter LOVES it! She spends hours playing here every time we take the lid off!

Now, off to enjoy my summer break. Well, I have to hunt for some stuff at IKEA first, I think! :)

Relationships

2010-05-21T22:13:00.000-04:00

I have realized over the course of the last few years an important truth about relationships. We have been poisoned to believe that our happiness, our reason to live, our motivation, our sense of "completeness" must come from our significant other. That we NEED another person to be our soul mate in order to have a successful relationship. This is simply not biblical, nor is it practical. It's not healthy and I would go so far as to say that it's sinful. I mean, if we are looking to another person to be our EVERYTHING, then where is room for God? What happens to our life direction when Mr. or Mrs. Everything turns into Mr. or Mrs. Not-So-Much-of-Anything?

In many cultures, marriages are arranged. People learn to love one another over time. With the right attitude, this could work for many people who are in relationships that have lost some of the luster. Wow...luster....dissect THAT word! :)

I still feel you...

2010-04-29T09:26:00.002-04:00

Sometimes it's in a song, a sound, the way the summer air smells or just the feeling of the wind blowing through my hair as I fly down the highway.

You made your mark. That is certain.

I wonder if you experience the same.

Feeling like myself again...

2010-04-24T16:02:00.000-04:00

Wow. What an empowering year it's been so far. I don't really make New Year's Resolutions, but I do take some time to thing about what I would like to focus on and try to change. No need in setting oneself up for failure, eh?

I started looking at my weight. I had a doctor's visit and learned that I was back at my delivery day weight. I was disappointed and angry, but those emotions weren't doing anything to help matters, so I started using an iPhone app to track my calories. Having had gastric bypass in 2000, I am accustomed to eating less than before the surgery, but over the years, the amount I can eat has increased until I can now eat normal-sized portions. What this means is that I now have to make a focused effort to keep my calorie count low enough to maintain or in this case LOSE weight.

About a month ago, a colleague took the time to show me what she used to lose over 70 pounds in the last year. She showed me Spark People and I have loved it. I can track my food, exercise and communicate with other people who are also working to improve their fitness or to lose weight. It's really awesome.

If you would like to access my blog there, feel free.

Busy...

2010-04-15T22:23:00.000-04:00

Lots going on at the moment. One online class wrapped up two Fridays ago and my new one starts after this weekend.

My mother-in-law is visiting for the next 6 weeks.

Our school is heading into the spring rush as we wrap up the last 5 weeks.

I am trying to read THREE books at the same time.

My SparkPeople Blog is taking precedence over this one for a little while, until I feel like I have my new eating plan and exercise plan going....

I hope to post more regularly soon! :)

Mommy and Nika in Blue

2010-04-10T18:27:00.001-04:00

Mommy and Nika in Blue, originally uploaded by gbowdoin.

My favorite pic from Spring Break

The Life...

2010-04-09T21:14:00.000-04:00

We returned from our stay at Ocean Reef Resort in Myrtle Beach last night. It was such a cool day yesterday. For the first time in my life, I walked alongside the ocean and let the water wash over my feet. Walking next to me was my awesome husband carrying our beautiful daughter, who wasn't too sure if she liked the water or not, and ahead of us, hardly able to contain his excitement ran our 11-year-old son dashing in and out of the waves.

On the way home, we stopped about midway to fill up with gas and to enjoy a small picnic lunch of cheese sandwiches (we're a Dutch family, you know!) and fruit. We laughed and listened to music and just steeped in each other for the trip. When we got closer to home, we enjoyed dinner together at one of our favorites, Cracker Barrel and then made the rest of the drive.

This morning, we had family errands to run and it was such a nice time--enjoying each other, working together to take care of our family and seeing the love we all share.

And so tonight, I sit on my back patio, curled up in my favorite fleece hooded jacket and Adirondack chair as I warm myself next to a fire log and count my blessings. Thank you, God, for the little things and for letting us have the chance to love one another.

Apparition

2010-04-07T21:26:00.000-04:00

I sat out on the beach tonight, letting the surf fill my ears and lead my thoughts. As I sipped my coffee, I thought of how nice it would be to share this moment with you. I could almost see you walking up the steps and sitting down beside me. I heard your voice telling me that this is what life should be all about.

Then, in a moment, you were gone.

The waves rolled on.

Melancholy...

2010-04-02T21:33:00.001-04:00

I have always liked that word. It has a unique connotation for me. It conjures many images...

the color indigo
R&B music
days spent on the dock at Riverfront Park, writing in my journal
The crunch of autumn leaves under my feet
The Warren County A&L Fair
love
soulmates
sitting around a fire, wine glass in hand, lost in thought
communion
longing
yearning
feeling almost understood
romance
bittersweet

Some things begin only to end...some loves flare up and burn out far too quickly...the valleys of life are truly what make the mountaintops so enthralling. It is in the valleys that we learn the most and cling to most tightly to what matters.

Someone like me...

2010-04-02T20:37:00.001-04:00

Twilight descends as I sit curled up in my Adirondack chair, one leg tucked under me as I sit staring at the pink heavens. Today is Good Friday and the Savior has been on my mind today. I am so grateful for what He did for us and for the Life his death brings.

The birds twitter and the dogs howl as my little country neighborhood goes about the work of the weekend. I hear lawnmowers, the clatter of tools drift out from the work sheds, kids are laughing in the distance. Car doors slam as the latecomers drift in for the start of Easter weekend. My neighbor returned with his children who are here for a visit. It looked so sweet as he carried in his daughter's Easter dress and bag and I smiled thinking of how Easter was such a fun celebration when I was a child.

As night continues to fall, I think about my life and the people whom I love. How differently love expresses itself! The Greeks were on to something when they had all those names for the different kinds of love. I find myself thinking of the people in my life who really matter. They are few, but I love them fiercely.

I took a moment to refresh my memory on the kinds of love the Greeks have named:

Philos -- brotherly, or friendship love
I certainly share this kind of love with a couple of my closest colleagues. It's such a powerful kind of love and so comforting to know that they truly love ME--just as I am. I needed this love in my life for so long and I am so grateful to have this shown to me on a daily basis by two people who have learned that we ALL need to be cared about. Thank God for these two.

Eros -- Romantic, sexual love
This love scared me to death the first time I felt it. Seriously! I have been blessed with a marriage that fairly sparkles with this kind of love and again, I am grateful beyond words.

Agape=Unconditional, all-consuming love
So many of us strive for this. I feel surges of this with my closest friend, but I know that as long as I am in human form I will never master it. I continue to try as I know that this is the love that God lavishes on us...on me...wow, what could I ever do to repay that, other than try to share this kind of love with others.

sturge (storge sp?) -- old friends connecting after a long time... where things appear to pick up exactly where they left off... even if many decades intervened...
I have shared this kind of love with a couple of friends, but most notably a cousin of mine who truly feels more like a brother. A day with him is like water to my thirsty soul. We average a visit every half-decade or so. Each visit ends with sincere promises not to wait so long again before we meet. I wonder if either of us believes it even as we speak the words? Nonetheless, I cherish every moment spent communing with my favorite relative.

Until I took the time to write these words, I had not realized how blessed with LOVE my life has truly been. I have loved and have been loved much more than I ever expected or deserved. May I continue to love others as I continue to appreciate the love shown to me.

Fish Climbing Trees

2010-03-31T15:21:00.000-04:00

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. –Albert Einstein

I have a good friend who needs to read this. You know who you are!

Good reading, Great price!

2010-03-30T15:00:00.000-04:00

One cold, rainy, winter night, I started using Kindle for iPhone on my iPod touch. I downloaded a few books, bought the NIV Bible and was on my way. I find that having an eBook with me at all times is awesome and I really have enjoyed my reads thus far. The book above I am currently reading, but I started with the one below.

Haven't tried Kindle yet?
Do.
It's awesome and they offer some pretty cool free selections that allow you to get your feet wet before buying.

What's to lose?

God's sense of humor

2010-03-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

Ok, first let me say that I am not one of those religious nuts who thinks that every single event of every day is a message from God. In fact, I am fairly skeptical of people who say they hear from God often--especially when what they're hearing seems a bit too convenient. You know the type, right?

Today, though, was one of the days when I really wasn't looking for God. I am pretty good at running from Him actually and I am stubborn as well. Not things I am proud of, but as of yet, I haven't figured out how to keep things running smoothly in the way of communication with the Almighty. It comes and goes.

I was driving today and because I was in no particular mood, I decided to put my iPod on shuffle. That's when it started. Every song seemed to evoke some strong emotion, bring back some poignant memory or it seemed to send a message that I needed to hear. I didn't really read anything into it at first--I was too busy enjoying the experiences that these songs were providing. It crossed my mind that maybe God was having a little fun with me and I thought, "Yeah, if it's really God, he'll play 'Somewhere Down the Road' by Amy Grant next."

You guessed it. That is exactly the song that came on next.
I just smiled, went with it and said "Thanks".

Today the two-way worked better than in a long, long time.

Thanks, again!

Random

2010-03-26T08:59:00.000-04:00

It's a totally random kind of day...this day of my dreams. I get up when I want. Drive to where I want. Eat what I want. Visit the places I choose.

This morning I was looking as the sun (unsuccessfully) tried to break through the clouds. It captured my attention because of the mere hope I felt surging within me as the sun would almost pop through, only to be stopped by the rolling clouds. These days my life is like that...mostly cloudy with moments of sun that break through. Not hopeless by any means. I mean, I know the sun is THERE and I know that clouds do roll away, even if only to roll back in at some other season. I feel hopefrul, but somewhat clouded. Other Appalachians might use the word "muddled".

Random. That's how I have played my day today insofar as I have been able to. Today is a day of no hats. No roles. No trying to fulfill anyone else's expectations of me. That sounds great, but it leaves the burning question still unanswered: What are MY expectations of myself? What do *I* expect from me, from my life, from the people who matter to me?

My iPod is on shuffle. Another random event. It's like opening a musical grab bag: I never know what song will come up and I am always a little surprised at the memories, the emotions, the pull that some songs can evoke.

So...I am here. . .at some random Starbucks, writing some random thoughts, drinking my regular cappuccino. (Some things simply cannot be left to chance!)

Running away...

2010-03-25T18:55:00.002-04:00

It's a common threat from others of my kind. "I just wish I could drop everything and run away!"

How often we say it...threaten it...hear it...
How little we actually muster up the courage to do it.

Give a listen and you'll see where I am coming from...

Some recent reads that I really liked

2010-03-25T18:52:00.000-04:00

Washed Clean

2010-03-11T13:20:00.000-05:00

It was a sunny day in late July. I had arrived for our visit a broken woman. No eye contact. No laughter. No smiles. He knew right away, but he said nothing. We had lunch together and avoided talking about anything substantial. Lunch over, we decided to visit a local park that was situated right on the river.

For a long time, we just sat at the riverfront park gazing at the water meandering slowly past—both lost in our own thoughts. That’s the way it was with him. I could say nothing and he could just tune in. It was eerie. It was comforting. It felt like home.

Finally I mustered up the courage to breathe words into my sin…to finally admit the wrong that I had so stubbornly and wrongfully committed. I held a leaf in my lap and tore it into miniscule pieces as I related the events that had lead me to this desolation. He let me talk and cry and question and then he said that he had been afraid all along that this would happen. I was shocked that he said such a thing and I asked him why he hadn’t warned me. He simply smiled and asked me, “Would you have listened to me if I had?”

Exhausted and spent, I knew our day together was drawing to a close. The magic was fading and I felt better for having shared this burden with a friend who could love me and who didn’t judge me for my mistakes. I still felt heavy with guilt and shame and my mind was weighted with questions about how I would be able to move on after this.

That’s when it happened. Suddenly the heavens opened and a warm summer rain spilled all around us. We jumped up and ran for the nearest cover, running and laughing all the way. I looked over though the strands of wet hair that were clinging to my face and I saw that he was soaked completely through and so was I.

Reaching the pavilion where we took refuge from the deluge, we looked at each other and burst out laughing as we watched in amazement the downpour spilling all around us. The weightiness was gone. I felt alive again. I felt worthy again. And, for the first time in a long time, I felt clean.

Though this event happened many years ago, it is one of my most treasured memories and stands out as one of the times when I most felt God’s presence. I will forever be grateful to my good friend who walked through almost a decade of my life with me in honesty, compassion, selflessness, and love.

Loves Lost

2010-03-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

I think we all have that one lost love from our past. You know the one. That relationship that keeps popping up in the back of your mind that makes you wonder "What if?". It's funny what can trigger the thought . . . a song, a scent, a touch, a scene from a movie or just a rush of memory. It's funny, sad, happy and ethereal all at the same time. Melancholy perhaps is the best term for it.

I had a discussion recently with a good friend and we were noting how love not only makes the world go 'round, but it can also make it come crashing down. From the days of Adam and Eve until today, relationships are tricky and feelings like jealousy, loneliness and lust really trip up the human race at an embarrassingly astonishing rate.

What to do about it?

My pastor, Matt, would suggest Fool-proofing one's life. I tend to agree. Check out the FoolProof series if you'd like more info.
My friends in 12-Step programs would advise working the steps.
Most of my old-time, well-meaning-yet-clueless Christian friends would just chant something trite like:

"pray about it"
"bless your heart"
"God love it"
"it'll all work out"
etc.

Obviously, I don't recommend the suggestions above :)

I do know this. As fallen creatures we sure do lie. A lot. We lie to ourselves. We lie to our family. We lie to our friends. We lie to our significant others. We lie to our colleagues. We lie to our bosses.

We try to lie to God. Then, we lie to ourselves and pretend we've fooled everyone and Him.

Sometimes I wonder why He''s stuck with us for so long. I think I would have given up long ago.

Lost loves were lost for a reason. Pitfalls are best left alone as lessons learned.

Still pining for something, someone, some dream you can't have? Maybe it's time to examine the consequences that come with getting what you want (wanted).

Today, I am grateful for the hurts, the wounds and the mountaintop experiences that have all combined to make me who I am today. I am grateful for the tapestry of people and for the love that has been extended to me and for the grace that God has shown...because I have much more than I could ever deserve.

Thank you, Lord and Thank you to those of you who've shared part of this journey with me. I am grateful and humbled.

Nine years...

2010-02-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

I am an admitted addict to the television show Ruby on Style. She's such a cool person and she's really struggled in her battle with obesity. What a struggle it is--ALWAYS!

These days I am finding myself struggling, too. With emotional eating and with out of control emotions, period. I feel lost, alone, lonely, disconnected. Lots of things. I don't feel depressed. Just wayyy out of sorts. I am not sure why or what's causing it.

Things on my mind:

March 2 will mark the 9th year of my mother's unexpected death.
I just turned 39. I have a successful career, a wonderful family, two awesome kids and a husband who loves me unconditionally. I have earned three college degrees. Not too shabby, but I still have tons of work to do on ME.
I let a relationship for many years ago to much damage to me. I am recovering, but I wish that I could hit some kind of fast-forward button.
Pretty soon, my house will be more crowded than I fear I can tolerate. It's temporary, but it's not going to be easy or fun.
I have no blood relatives left (except for my kiddos). That seems so cruel sometimes.
I haven't felt "full" in a long time. I don't want to gain weight. This thought TERRIFIES me!
Spiritually, I wish I had a partner to walk alongside with me for a bit. Lots of issues I would love to sit down and discuss with someone who gets it.
I really need a good music fix!

Hear No Evil Review and Book Giveaway

2010-02-13T17:13:00.000-05:00

Last year I ran across the book Churched by Matthew Paul Turner and I really found that I could not put it down. I loved his take on Baptist fundamentalism and I found so many stories to which I could relate. Needless to say, when I hear about his new book, Hear No Evil, I really couldn't wait to get my hands on a copy.

Turner's book is full of amusing anecdotes and provides some truly touching tales and more than a couple disturbing tidbits are thrown in as well. He's as funny and as sarcastic as ever, but I found that this book misses the flow that made Churched such a great read. There are parts that seem disjointed and the cliffhanger at the end (presumably leading to the rest of Turner's life) was disappointing to me as well.

Would I recommend this book? Absolutely. Matter of fact, I will even make it easy for you. Here's the link. But I would advise the reader who wants to read to best of Matthew Paul Turner to start with Churched.

One reader will win a copy of Hear No Evil. To enter, please leave a comment below. Winner will be chosen at random by Friday, February 19th.

This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group.

Reading, Studying, Communing

2010-02-06T17:07:00.002-05:00

For the past few weeks, my extra time has been consumed by taking English Language Learner classes (one in person and one online), reading as much as I can, and spending time with people who are important to me. Overall, it's been very fulfilling, but it's left less time for online pursuits.

I have a book review to post andc another book on its way, so keep checking in.

Discovery Health Binge

2010-01-10T18:36:00.004-05:00

I am not much of a television watcher, but when I *do* watch, I usually watch Style or Discovery Health or TLC, something like that. I really like to hear other people's stories, I suppose.

Today, I watched Big Medicine--a show about people who have had or who are having gastric bypass. Being 10 years out this year, I am amazed at how far I have come--not just in weight loss but in life since then. It's almost like losing the weight finally empowered me to really take charge of my life. Nothing in my life remained untouched by this decision. My spiritual life evolved. My marriage dissolved, but I was able to handle it in the healthiest way possible (Not that I didn't make mistakes, but I think overall, we went about things in the best way we could have.). My sense of self has certainly gotten stronger. I have conquered some of my fears and fulfilled some of my dreams. I have gone back to school and earned TWO graduate degrees and have remarried and had a daughter (much to my son's delight!).

God's blessings have been poured out on me and I feel so undeserving and so grateful. Seeing these super morbidly obese people reminds me of how hopeless and desperate one can feel and I know that it takes very little for those feelings to come back--with a vengeance.

Most of the people in my life today didn't know me then. Not even my husband nor my son know what I looked like then (except for photos and old video footage). My friends today roll their eyes when I make fat jokes and laugh at my fears of suddenly waking up and being that same person again. There's a real fear there.

For the last 18 months or so, I have needed to lose 25-30 pounds. Most people don't think of this as a big deal, but for me the thought of gaining more weight is terrifying. The problem is that being afraid is a trigger for me to feel like eating. I am afraid that I will once again find myself on that roller coaster of insanity again and I don't know what to do to prevent it.

On my mind

2010-01-10T18:32:00.000-05:00

Lots of things on my mind. . .

In a little bit over a year, I will turn 40. That fact has had me evaluating my life and looting at where I have been, where I am and where I want to be and should be headed. I have some goals that I need to work toward meeting.

Goals

Learn Guitar. I want to learn to play guitar. I already play piano a bit and I read music, so it shouldn't be that difficult, right? Wrong! My fingers simply do not cooperate!!! Grrrr. On the other hand, I have conquered much more difficult obstacles, so I need to just DO IT!
Learn to dance. Ok, this one may bee silly, but I don't know how to dance. I am not a graceful person, so I find it difficult to have coordination, but I really want to dance. Now, how to go about it...
Develop a deeper relationship with God. This is something I have struggled with for years. I am a believer, but it's the RELATIONSHIP part that I struggle with. I believe, but I have such a hard time actually surrendering myself to trust God.
Lose this pregnancy weight. Ok, I know that I used to weigh 430 pounds. I am fully aware how far I have come and I really appreciate all the kind remarks about how "pretty" I am and how far I have come. On the other hand, when I got pregnant in September 2007, I had lost 20 pounds (from 262 to 242) and I only gained 30 while pregnant. When I was discharged, I was thrilled to find that I only had EIGHT POUNDS to lose. Fast forward through my maternity leave and I had regained to my delivery date weight.

I have some great friends in my life and I have amazingly supportive people around me. The problem is that I am not very good at asking people for help!

Nika and Santa (aka Poppy)

2009-12-28T10:33:00.001-05:00

, originally uploaded by gbowdoin.

Nika has her first photo with Santa.

Generations

2009-12-27T16:48:00.004-05:00

I was a junior in high school. I had been attending a private, church-school for six years and all of my friends had just graduated, leaving me and a couple of younger kids whom I was not close to as the only students. I decided to rejoin my former elementary classmates at the high school, despite my best friend, Rodney's advice. I think he was afraid I would fail to thrive in my new environment. Either that, or he didn't want those classmates from elementary school to know that he was best friends with the fattest kid from those days. Whatever the reason, I defied him and walked over to enroll during the summer.

The first thing I did was submit my achievement test scores. I really don't think they took me very seriously until then. I have heard horror stories about how behind students can get academically in church-schools, so it didn't surprise me that the counselor withheld her judgement until she saw what I could do. I was asked to take the final exams from several courses and then placed accordingly. I was placed in the correct grade and put on a college prep program of study.

Going to school wasn't difficult nor were my classes. Except Algebra. I had fallen behind in math at the onset of my Christian school education and had never regained much ground. Spanish was also difficult, but I think I could have survived that one. At any rate, Algebra became the bane of my existence and about 9 weeks into my junior year, I decided that I was going to quit school. After all, no one in my family had ever graduated, so why be the first, right?

I was absent about 3 days and a lady at church asked me how things were going on Wednesday night. I nonchalantly told her that I was done with school and she did not accept that answer. At all. The next day, she met with my guidance counselor and suggested that I be allowed a bit more freedom in the selection of my classes and that I take something "fun". Being a singer, she informed the counselor that chorus would probably be a perfect fit. She also told her that I was a math-phobe and that perhaps a remedial math would be a better fit for me than Algebra until the following term.

Thank God for her intervention and for the open mind and ears of the counselor, Mrs. Smartt. Mrs. Smartt told me later that she had only put me in the college prep classes because she was sure I could handle them and because she didn't want me to suffer in college. She admitted in retrospect that she should have explained that to me and let me decide how to proceed. I wasn't upset and felt really touched that she'd had so much faith in me. My new class schedule included chorus and a class called "Math for Technology" or some such title that belied the fact that it was for non-college bound kiddos. I didn't mind. In fact, I learned some key math theory in that class that had been most of the reason that I had failed to understand Algebra in the first place.

That year ended up being a great success for me in many ways, but the greatest class I had that year was Literature, taught by Mrs. Grissom. Being in a church-school, I had only been exposed to limited reading choices and was even restricted to the King James Version of the Bible. (Being a rebel, I slipped my New International Version into a Bible cover and read it on the sly--sinner that I am!)

In Mrs. Grissom's class we were assigned a novel to read and that year it was "To Kill a Mockingbird". To get us started, Mrs. Grissom flipped open the cover and started to read aloud to us. At first, I found this weird. No one had read to me since 4th grade, but soon I was captivated by her voice and the inflection she used. I was hooked and found that I loved this book. She gave us a handout of suggested readings to prepare us for college and I devoured much of that list. I really found an enthusiasm for school and for learning that year. I credit much of that to Mrs. Grissom and to the people who refused to let me fall through the cracks.

Years later, in that same small town where I grew up, I would marry a local man and later divorce him. That same year, I would undergo a very risky surgery and then make a move to a new state on into a whole new life. Mrs. Grissom's daughter, now my paraprofessional at a local elementary school, had become one of my best friends and provided much love, friendship and companionship through that time. It's no secret where she got her love of life and of people from.

May I use whatever influence I have for good in the lives of others.

What song inspires, motivates, captivates you?

2009-12-27T16:48:00.000-05:00

I admit to enjoying Facebook. Okay, maybe more than I should, even. There's a Facebook phenomenon called "Song Lyric Friday (SLF)" that some of my friends participate in. I am not certain that is what conjured up the song that now dominates my mental jukebox or not, but nontheless, I have Heart's "Dog and Butterfly" on my mind. I love that song and it was one of the first ones that really got to me on an emotionally physical way. The best way I can describe that feeling is having something like a string or a rope tied around my sternum, pulling hard, but without pain.

Know that feeling?