Been here before...

I have carried this burden, a definite weighty part of my soul, with me for almost a decade. Without going into personally identifiable details, I experienced something that shook me to my core and I was totally taken aback by it. It took years for me to not think about it almost every day and then it took another devastating chain of events to make it alright again.

My faith in myself in my actual womanhood was taken away from me by a relationship that had fallen apart. I had placed my entire sense of self into a man's hands who ultimately shattered it. It's not his fault and I am sure that he has no idea how much those few short weeks of our lives has affected the next years of mine. That's a good thing, I suppose. I take full responsibility for being the one who erred. I had come out of a ten-year marriage that had fallen apart piece by piece until I was completely lost and alone. It was completely unfair to expect him--or anyone else--to fix that.

Moving ahead, I had other relationships and later remarried. Being one of those women whose friendships are mostly with men, I found myself really comfortable in the role of "annoying sister" and "buddy" and that's where I have firmly planted myself since then. Anything else would have been too frightening for me to handle. My marriage is good and I know my husband loves me and that he still wants me, so that's not an issue.

But, in all this time, I haven't felt womanly or feminine. I have almost lived what amounts to a genderless existence. I wear makeup and like to dress up, but I always feel kind of fake or find myself wondering if I am really pulling this all off alright.

Basically, I have felt like an impostor.

A few days ago, one of my friendships underwent a severe test. I honestly thought that it was a fatal event and that I would have to lose it forever. Who knows, maybe I will still. I think the jury might still be out on that one. 

Nevertheless, for some reason, and I am still not sure of the relation between the two events, I was forced to confront this old issue. It was not an easy thing to do. In fact, it was devastating. It's hard to face some demons and the element of surprise was further disconcerting. But, I <i>did</i> confront this issue and was finally able to resolve it--hopefully once and for all.

And, I feel reborn. It's amazing at how the voice inside my head that was so full of doubt and fear has been reprogrammed to become one of encouragement and validation. I no longer think of myself as unloveable or as somehow damaged. In fact, I find that I am more worthy than I have allowed myself to be treated. 

I'd say it's about time.